every time I try to lay down for a bit it’s someone in a group text’s birthday
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A tartan is what you get when you sunbathe on the asphalt
If you’re not sure how to reply in a conversation, just ask “In what context?” to buy time & let the person rattle on for another half hour.
Oh you’re a fan of Oppenheimer? Name three bombs
The gym is completely deserted. It’s normally packed on January 1st. Is it finally the year we all give up? Why didn’t someone tell me? I jogged here.
I hide the fact that I can’t swim by eating every 15 minutes.
FRIEND: so how are you?
ME: I’m well, thanks!
FRIEND: what’s new?
ME: not much!
FRIEND: well, what have you been up to?
ME: why are you doing this to me
mousepads sound like groovy places for hip mice
The prize for getting up early is to eat a worm? Birds are idiots
Dog Lawyer: Permission to treat the witness as hostile?
Judge: Granted
Dog Lawyer: *bares teeth*
Roomba: *revving suction noises*
You think jumping out of an airplane is dangerous? Pfft…try going to Trader Joe’s when you’re starving to death.
Someone with the profile description “I’m a human worker” just followed me…
Not today Satan.
Not today.
lol
I feel like landlords who don’t allow dogs but DO allow children don’t know very much about children.
inventor of the sauna: it’s a box and it makes you want to die of heat and dehydration, like microdosing dying in a desert
The people in this spin class are looking at me like they’ve never seen a girl with a helmet before.
*overheard in women’s bathroom*
I think there’s a guy in here.
The Hobbit 4:
Bilbo’s relatives auction off his stuff
Bilbo puts on his ring
One by one, his relatives die under mysterious circumstances
Her: You enjoy silently judging everyone, don’t you.
Me: Silently? No.
Au: gold
Fe: iron
Si: silicon
Ur: my fire
My: one desire
Blv: when i say
I: want it that way
[cocktail party]
Me: [swirls brandy]
Brandy: PUT ME DOWN
My lack of pants is nobody’s business.
People don’t realize that Ikea catalogs are also a book of baby names. Anyway, I’m late to take FLÄRDFULL and ÖDMJUK on their play date.
I was drunk wrapping presents so if anyone gets my DNR bracelet I need it back.
ME (at a bar where everybody knows my name): Hey—
EVERYBODY: DAVE! Get out of here.
When I’m older my plan is to mostly talk gibberish then very occasionally turn to a grandchild and say
‘Of course the money is all in that account in Switzerland’.And then start talking gibberish again.
him: what are you looking for on this dating site?
me: someone who will hold the cats down so I can take pics of them wearing sunglasses.
[latest bio rejection from christian mingle]
Interested in both term and whole life insurances.
Me: You can’t honestly expect me to believe this house isn’t haunted; I can see the ghost walls from here.
Realtor: Those are windows.
My only local Taco Bell has closed, please respect my privacy at this difficult time
Want to get rid of your husband without killing him?
Just send him to the grocery store & ask for pine nuts.
Mine has been gone 6 years.