Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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my kid said her friend was ‘absinthe’ from class today and I’m wondering if should inform their parents
Me: death by loneliness? Is that even a thing?
Fortune teller, shrugs: look honestly I had never heard of it until you walked in
New Subway rule: You must give the person in front of you a wedgie if they take more than 5 seconds to choose what kind of bread they want.
I get it Bryan Adams. It was the summer of 69, but what year?
I came, I saw, I got allergies
~ Julius Sneezer
ME: I have zero interest in owning a parrot.
CLERK: This parrot is 80% off.
ME: I will take 4 parrots.
Me: What are you doing?
My 6yo: [buttering the piano] Nothing.
My mom said I have a cousin twice removed and now I’m wondering how you can screw up so badly you get disowned two times.
Aging gracefully is like getting steamrolled gracefully, you should really be screaming
Goku in church: “This Jesus guy sounds really strong. I would have loved to fight against him!”
Hand sanitizer either smells like springtime and freshness or an alcoholic bus driver who will beat your germs to death with the power of his rum breath.
remember you can close your eyes and imagine a mouse holding a cocktail umbrella walking across a spaghetti noodle tight rope any time you want. no one can stop you
What do we want?
A CURE FOR PARANOIA
When do we want it?
WHO WANTS TO KNOW
Barber: Do you want to see the back?
Me: Sure
*2 minutes later*
Barber: So, this is the staff room.
[First day as villain]
Me: [Emails a co worker and then calls them about it immediately]
Husband: *snoring*
Me: [slowly rolls him off the bed with my feet] THUMP
Husband: What the hell?
Me: OMG! Did you feel that earthquake?
Trampolines…
Are great…
For…
Peeing your pants…
A little at a time…
Online piracy is bad, one time I downloaded a boat
The atoms that make up your body are ancient things, recycled over millions of years. You are made of stars, and also dead raccoons.
worm: *tells a joke*
early bird: lol
*kicks house door down* I SAID HAVE YOU ACCEPTED JESUS INTO YOUR LIFE?
8: Mama, did you read this story when you were a kid?
Me: *smiling* Why yes, I did.
8: It’s a really old story then, I guess.
“Pull over! Get out of the car slowly and let me see your shoes!” – fashion police
showed up to a party wearing the same shirt as someone else, how did we both fit in one shirt
Me: WHY AREN’T YOU CLEANING YOUR ROOM LIKE I ASKED?
My 6year old: You only asked once
My dog really needs to learn how to drive a stick
because what good is fetching one bottle of vodka.
The person who named the eggplant must have been:
a) Colorblind, and
b) Totally high
Everyone knows there’s no such thing as a zombie army. The proper name is the Marine Corpse.
Good day meowlady
* tips cat
This house is Not going to clean itself. Apparently, I’m not either.