Every time I wear a suit I hear the same five words. “Will the defendants please rise”
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If you’re in a wheelchair and you say your date stood you up, it’s unclear to me whether your night was lousy or remarkable.
Mom: If your friends all jumped off a bridge, would you…
Me: Be the one holding all their phones? Yeah, probably.
Judge: I sentence you to life in prison
Defendant: NOOOO MY ONLINE PRESENCE
My 7-year-old asked for her first alarm clock for Christmas.
We just got it set up.
I’ve never seen someone so happy about having their life ruined forever.
9-year-old: Can I spend the night at my friend’s house this weekend?
Me: Sure.
9: Can I spend two nights?
Me: You can live there. Just tell her mom to send over the papers.
If you love Batman, let him go, because Batman Returns.
Me: how do I get one of those singing groups?
Director: you mean a choir?
Me: *exasperated sigh* yes fine, how do I acquire one of those singing groups?
Calorie tracker: I’ll help you see everything you ate today.
White clothes: lol same.
Attention: will the owner of a small blue planet with tectonic plates please attend to your vehicle. It is overheating.
*punches a fish* that’s for tsunamis
i’ve started reading before bed instead of scrolling twitter and not only am i sleeping really well, but i also think i’m better than everyone
Coworker: You want to hear a good joke?
Me: Yes, but I’ll settle for one of yours.
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
“Oh, Monster TRUCK rally. Haha of course…”
*Frankenstein slowly backs out of the room, hiding a 24 pack of condoms behind his back*
My brother, the dentist is getting an award tomorrow. It’s a little plaque!😂😂😂
ME: *hands my boss my first crime scene photos*
BOSS: *hands them back* do them again without the Snapchat filters
Me: *looking in my closet* I have nothing to wear
Murderer: *cramped inside* agree to disagree
me: my christmas gift to you, dear children, is teaching you the magic of giving
my kids: are ALL the presents for you
me: yes, but they’re FROM you and I LOVE them
Santa- “ho ho ho, Mer-“
Me- “tf did you just call me?”
ME: people only use 10% of their brains
FRIEND: that’s an urban legend
ME: no it’s not. my grandma told it to me, and she lives on a farm
In Scooby Doo, 2021 they’re not allowed to remove the mask at the end
Dominicans be naughty on purpose so they can get coal from Santa for their hookahs
Fried potatoes
Mashed potatoes
Baked potatoes
Twice baked potatoes
Potato chips-if Bubba grew up on a potato farm instead of a shrimp boat
“Nothing tastes as good as skinny feels.”
That’s a cute saying, Janet, but have you had carbohydrates?
Sit. Down.
Sean Swordd: mighty
Sean Penn: mightier
The good news is cannon deaths have gone down dramatically in the last hundred years.
Firing squad leader: Any last words?
Me: I’d like to thank my arms for always being by my side haha
Firing squad leader: ok we’re gonna somehow try to kill you twice
I never found the Headless Horseman that impressive, because the horse still has a head and is clearly doing all the navigating. My first thought wouldn’t be “demon guy” it would be “service horse, make sure not to pet it”
4- I make a lot of noises when I poop
Me- that’s okay buddy we all do
4- I know mom, sometimes I can hear you and dad in your room at night
My husband asked if I had a new year’s resolution and I told him it was to not yell at the kids and then we both fell about laughing