Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.

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Why do the models on the catwalks always look so angry? I would have been very happy to get paid to just walk around in fancy clothes.


[castle wall]
KNIGHT: the enemy is advancing
ME: *panicking* close the gates! man your battle stations!
KNIGHT: their chariots are pulled by puppies
ME: keep the gates half open. let’s see how this plays out


Life in your 40’s:

Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!

Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.


Earth was the first world I created. It has all kinds of problems. #firstworldproblems


Me: could you put me in touch with my dead wife?

Spiritist: not tonight love.

Me: wow! It’s like she’s in the room.


You know shit’s getting real when someone bets their glass eye at the neighborhood poker game.


Husband: Um, what are you doing?

Me: My doctor said I should do multiple sets of bagels a day to strengthen my pelvic floor


Me, spitting crumbs: I’m almost certain he said bagels


“Here taste this ” followed by a 32 minute speech on all the ingredients.