Every time I’m around my mother in law, I wonder who is running hell in her absence.
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If you wake me with a text at 5am, I will answer you because I’m helpful but the answer will be that night at 2am because I’m also vengeful.
Love your friends, crop dust your enemies in a crowded elevator.
The pizza theorem:
“Pizzas must be circular. They must be cut
into triangles and put into square boxes”-Science
Victor Frankenstein being only 23 years old when he made the monster is crazy to me, he should have been at the club.
The best thing about eating healthy food is all the incredible food you eat an hour later because you’re so hungry…
My kids teach me something every day. Today my 1-year-old taught me how much plumbers cost per hour. Who flushes a potato?
In lieu of exercise, accidentally send your text to the wrong person to get your heart rate up
I thought a man was in my house.
Turns out the air freshener had just squirted before I walked in.
Did you hear about the explosion at the cheese factory?
Apparently, all that was left was da brie.
***ba dum tissssss***
My 5yo told me he’s carrying coins in his pocket in case he runs into any guys he has to pay, and now I have questions
I flirt with the devil from time to time just to let him know what he’s what missing.
my idea of a perfect crime? I’ll show you
I love when parents have to repeat themselves to their kid and they rage enunciate the second time:
dad: do you want a ham sandwich or turkey and cheese?
kid: what
dad: do👏you👏want👏a👏ham👏sandwich👏or👏turkey👏and👏cheese
I didn’t mean to knock your toddler down at the mall today…
I just wanted to be first on Santa’s lap before he got peed on.
People who don’t like pickles are so important because they give me their pickles
Mary had a little lamb. The doctors are all really confused.
“Go down, Moses.” And he did. And that’s why the ladies loved him.
I wanted to buy Mariah Carey’s preferred brand of mouthwash, but my wife insisted we purchase Celine Dion’s. So we split up, citing irreconcilable diva rinses.
Not sure if I actually like movies or just like looking at something while I eat popcorn.
Me: *overthinking a million different scenarios
*one of those scenarios turns out to be true
Me: I KNEW IT!
I don’t have many enemies because I’m funny and sweet and they all died in mysterious fires.
Me: *smoking* you were fabulous
Burrito: thank you
So glad I was weird af in high school cuz now ain’t no one hittin me up to join their pyramid scheme 😌😌
Me: What are you up to?
Her: I’m making Chinese.
Me: Cloning’s unethical. Hahaha just kidding. Make me a math tutor.
Cop: I can only hold you for another hour
Criminal: Then you’re just gonna let me go?!
Cop: You know I gotta work, babe
[anxiously trying to put wrinkly dollar bills in a mitten vending machine as an avalanche approaches]
I used to be so graceful, now I am like a puppy with a box stuck on her head
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.