Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I used to get bullied online.

Until one day I walked up to the biggest computer in Best Buy and beat the shit out of it.

Satan’s greatest trick is convincing you he’s not real but there’s a quality drop-off after that. No. 2 is pretending his thumb is your nose

This girl text me: “your adorable

I text back: no YOU’RE adorable

Now she likes me and I was just pointing out her typo…

This Obama guy is the worst rapper ever.

[at gym]

Him: How much do you bench?

Me: Way less than I couch.

ISIS MEMBER: Andy is your western name. what would you like your new, terrorist name to be?

ME: Barry Bombs

I put my toddler in white shorts and took her outside to play like some kind of masochist

oh nowwww everyone wanna know what introverts do for fun

I had to make an important phone call and now I know my 9-year-old can yodel.

Her: Wow… You really cleaned up the place
A cockroach with a little bow-tie waddles by
Me: Anything for you baby girl

When I ask if I can pet somebody’s dog and they say no, I obviously respect their wishes but I always feel awkward after. Like what do I with my hands now that there’s no dog. Oh no we’re walking in the same direction too

I was irrationally angry when I realized there were no actual raccoons in Resident Evil

The use of the singular here makes it sound like this is about a specific, apparently immortal wolf who was previously exiled for some misdeed

My son called me ‘Marc’

I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”

He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”

The Dalai Lama: Do not let the behavior of others destroy your inner peace

Parents with kids of all ages: hahahaha yeah ok

My evil clone:[pointing to me] Shoot HIM, he’s the clone

Friend:[aims at the clone] The REAL Alex would never pass up an opportunity to die

glorious crime spree after being fired from wal mart., expertly hopping fences, chugging all the seeds out of my neighbors bird feeders,

finally

I wish I were this cool 😂

Ain’t no sunshine when she’s gone, but there sure are a lot of unauthorized charges on the credit card.

911? I’m a man trapped in a woman’s body!
“That’s not exactly an emergency.”
Oh. Huh. Ok.
*Tries door in Statue of Liberty again*

My husband walked up behind me and complimented my perfume. When I turned around to thank him I realized he was talking about the new scented kitchen garbage bags

The plot thickens.

Mostly because my grave digger had no idea just how fat I was.

Nothing makes me worry more than the kids saying “Don’t worry, we cleaned it up”

Shout out to sidewalks.

Thanks for keeping me off the streets.

“Oh boy, what a day of having sex with real women,” I yell too loud while passing my microwave.

im like a onion. peel back the layers and u’ll see that deep down inside im just a smaller more afraid onion

My 8 yo has learned how to play Chuck Berry’s “my ding a ling” on the piano. I’m proud and also in hell. Please help.