Every time my kid says “Dad, remember when…” in front of his friends I know I’m about to hear the craziest lie and I’m all in on it
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i always see couples holding hands but how do you become part of a couple? do you just leave your hand out and if someone holds it, you’re a couple
You look like you come from a long line of restraining orders.
Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
Save money on your next colon exam, grammar police do it for free
We HAVE to stop North Korea! They’re led by a pampered, delusional, vengeful fat rich guy with stupid hair and access to nuclear weap- oh.
Stop blaming politicians and start blaming the fortune tellers. They knew, and they did nothing.
A mother bear defending her cubs but it’s me defending the fresh pan of bacon from other hotel guests at the breakfast buffet.
[in high school]
me: that’s the guy I like…
friend, speaking super loud: YOU MEAN BRIAN-
me:
I couldn’t get the dog off the bed so I held up his ear cleaning solution, now he’s hiding somewhere and I’ve got fresh linens
Oh you hid the snacks? Sorry, I majored in finding snacks
Everything I know about the Royal family has been learned against my will
If you ever come across a bear in the wild, throw a tiny bicycle at him.
Then, just let his circus instincts take care of the rest.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Instead of voter fraud, why don’t they just call it Electile Dysfunction?
A popsicle stick makes a great bookmark. But eat the popsicle first. Don’t make the same mistake I did.
I shit you not I just had this convo on the plane…
Stewardess – Are you a comedian?
Me – Yes
Her – I thought so. I recognized you from the website, “comedian.”
Wife: What kind of pants should I wear on the boat?
Inventor of the Kayak: What if the boat WAS your pants?!
Tinder is also down!!!! I have gotten zero matches for the past three years!!! Hope the outage ends soon!!!
Me and my dog accidentally butted heads. We’re both fine, but I’m concerned about my wife. She keeps asking me who the President is and I correctly tell her every time Ronald Reagan.
My wife still brings up that one time in 2013 I was indecisive about which shirt to wear, after her water broke
Sorry, package of toilet paper. I’m only making one trip from the car with these grocery bags, so you’re sleeping in the car tonight.
Interviewer: Do you have any questions?
Me: Truth or dare
I:
M:
I:.. Dare
M: I dare you to give me this job
I:(under breath) Damn she’s good
Boss: also, a reminder that if you find a USB outside, do not bring it into the workplace
Me: *writing notes* international bees only
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.
People take air traffic control so seriously. Just have fun with it
families in horror movies buying houses: hey let’s get the haunted af one
I do things for others…
Like when I’m drunk dancing by myself, Billy Idol style, and I save my friends from being seen with me.
Reached the age where I have to do like 150 healthy things every day just so it doesn’t hurt when I burp.
[on an interview]
Him: What are your bartending qualifications? *sips coffee*
Me: *slides coaster under his mug as he puts it down*
Him: *spits out coffee* Holy shit
My self care time these days looks a lot like me lying on the floor while my 3yo does a high impact circus routine on my back.