Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
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Girlfriend: It’s 11:11, make a wish
Me (eyes roll): *stares out window*
Girlfriend: [gets text message] Crap, I have to go home
Me: Holy shit
What do we want?!
A WRITER WHO CAN WRITE SHORTER PROTEST CHANTS FOR US THAT SUCCINCTLY ILLUSTRATE OUR DEMANDS!
When do we want it?!
NOW!
When someone asks how I feel, I always answer “Squishy and like I’ve done something wrong”
2 Smurfs stand over a body…
“What happened?”
“Choked on a sandwich.”
“Nobody helped?”
“No.”
“Didn’t they see him turning bl-”
“…”
“Oh.”
13 year old me: Mom says to always respect my elders.
33 year old me: You’re out of your damn mind if you think I’m taking orders from you, Aunt Janice, you Hufflepuff piece of shit.
Just turned forty-three. I really thought I’d have a nemesis by now. There’s a duck at the park I don’t like, but that’s about it.
Congrats to everyone who just got cast in the new Star Wars movie. The film industry is telling you they think you look like an alien.
Can’t. Too busy being force-fed teething crackers by my 1yo daughter.
Preparing for my beach vacation by watching Jaws okay maybe this whole trip was a bad idea.
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
Maybe, if I sit very still, this nice family at Olive Garden won’t notice that I’m sitting at their table eating their bread sticks.
I want to walk down the street with my friends and be feared and not have people assume we’re probably on our way to a buffet.
“I Wish I Had Her Skin!”
– Teenage Girls & Serial Killers
Co-worker insists on talking with his mouth full. No one can ever understand him. Wish we had a dentist was in the house to interpret.
when I die, mix my ashes with the potato salad at the wake. I want people to mourn my passing twice
Today in who needs an alarm: my kid woke me up early by scream-whispering WHAT IS DUST?
I used to mix metaphors but that ship has flown.
sibling culture is not talking to each other for awhile and then texting them “this is you” along with a picture of an ugly bird you found online
Me: Who’s a good boy? WHO’S A GOOD BOY? Who wants a belly rub? WHO WANTS A BELLY RUB?
Client: Can I get a different massage therapist?
My friends are measuring the alcohol while making drinks. I need new friends.
When I told someone at work I didn’t have plans for Halloween because I’m not 5 y/o, she seemed stunned. I guess I really do look young.
*first day as a lawyer*
Bailiff: All rise for the judge.
Me: *too lazy* Objection.
*wakes up in a cold sweat*
Ohhhh OVERALLS because you wear them over all your other clothes
Genie: I’ll give you more wishes, I feel bad for you
Me: [with 3 ice cream cones on the ground] That’s very nice of you
“You need to take better care of yourself.”
– four physicians that I’ve outlived
I drink so much coffee, people feel jittery when they see a picture of me.
Blessed is the one who can fall asleep before the snoring partner
[commercial for string cheese] do you like cheese?
me: YES
“do you like string?”
me: yes?
[Friday Night]
WIFE: Have fun at poker
ME {stopping at door}: What did you say?
W: Have fun
ME: After that
W: Uh…at poker-
ME: IT’S POKÉMON