Every time my parents buy my kids a loud toy, I submit their phone number to a mortgage refinancing company.
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Personal news: After years of flawless service, the Tooth Fairy hit a rough patch this week.
This girl told me that eating a cake is the best way to calm you down.
I bet she never tried smashing it over someone’s face.
I’m not saying my house is haunted, but something just growled in here. It can’t see me if I hide under the covers right?
Is your meth contaminated with coronavirus? This Florida police dept. will test it for free
Son: *carrying damaged produce*
Me: Drop that sick beet!
hi, yeah, do u have a minute to talk about our lord and savior Godzilla
Him: I’m sorry, can we start over?
Me: great idea! You introduce yourself, and this time I’ll keep walking.
The scariest sound is an unknown crash followed by my 9 year old yelling “It’s OK! There’s nothing wrong! You don’t need to come up here”
[watching him pack his bag to leave]
Me: So this is it, we’re done and you’re leaving me?
Plumber: Uh yes the toilet is unclogged now.
If your partner keeps saying “we need to refine our packages” on their zoom you’re left with no option but to text “I’ll refine your package” causing him spray his coffee in front of everyone.
Me: Aww a valentine!
Officer: It’s a ticket.
Me: A ticket to your heart.
Officer: Ma’am, will you-
Me: Yes! I’ll marry you.
Just saw a mail truck drive by on a Sunday, I assume it was full of either FBI agents or jewel thieves
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
[getting murdered]
me: my computer has a virus, so u could say
[murdering pauses]
me: i’ve been hacked twice today lol
[murdering intensifies]
Writing a letter to Santa now because I don’t wanna seem like one of those friends that only reaches out when I want something
So disappointed that they canceled the New York City Marathon. This was going to be the year I lied about running it.
Viagra shipment stolen. Police are looking for hardened criminals
Every time I stop, someone always tries to peer pressure me into hammer time.
I don’t like to brag about going to expensive places, but I just went to the gas station.
Why’s everyone wearing green today. did the Hulk die or something
All panties are edible if you’re dedicated enough.
Don’t let fear stop you from living.
Zombies will take care of that.
Weird how people say that gay marriage will lead to people marrying dogs, but the 2nd amendment is never gonna give dogs guns.
Our system is shit. I’m 24 and only have two years left on my moms health insurance. Then, I have to find a new mother
Kids today will never know the pressure of sending an email to ten other people OR THEY WILL DIE.
I’m not crazy, I’m just mentally spicy.
9: Where’s mom?
Me: Out the back
9: Australia?
M: Out THE back, not the Outback!
9: What’s she doing?
M: Playing with her didgeridoo, I think
Texted daughter “I’m going to take a nap” and autocorrect changed it to “come inside and scream like a banshee.”
I wish my car’s back-up camera had a “Save” button, because some of the expressions on their faces.
I was a professional waxer for four years till the law shut me down for naming my shop Smoothie King.