Every time my phone rings
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Email subject line: “Your invited.” Thanks, I’ll bring an apostrophe and an e.
im awake if anyone wants to go on a cute forest hike and feed me to a bear
interviewer: you remind me of that idiot we fired
me: *adjusting my mustache* maybe he was just misunderstood
What do you get when you cross a centipede with a parrot?
A walkie-talkie.
#RubbishJokes #FridayMorning
Waiter: Did you save room for dessert?
Me: Not really, I’m stuffed
Waiter: Ok, I’ll bring the check
Me: I’ll have the chocolate cake.
Me, first week as a volunteer firefighter thinking we only rescue cats: We’re going where?
Research is preliminary but we estimate the number of crimes actually solved by boy detectives to be somewhere in the neighborhood of zero.
Being a Zombie doesn’t sound that bad. You don’t have a job and your entire day is spent looking for things to eat. Shit, I do that now.
Wow, what a moving acceptance speech from John Lithgow:
Wife: Do I look like I’ve gained weight?
Me: Not if I look from really, really far away, no
W: I despise you
HER: What does cyanide taste like?
ME: No clue. Why?
HER: No reason. Here, I made you some tea.
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
The neighbors set off fireworks at 2:45 AM so I decided to leaf blow the entire street in front of their house at 6:00 AM.
I was at Asda today and a child was misbehaving so his mother pointed at me saying “if you don’t stop he’s gonna take you away” like wtf no im not
You know who also didn’t have a Valentine? Jesus Christ. And he was dead by 33 so this isn’t looking great for any of us.
Them: Just act casual
Me:
Cashier at grocery store, “HI THERE! ARE WE HAVING A GOOD MORNING?”
Me, “Please…I have a family.”
People who find your stuff, then claim it’s theirs:
1. Colonialists
2. Sisters
*Takes one earbud out*
*Hears kids fighting*
*Puts earbud back in*
Just dyed a bald eagle red, white & blue & forced my family to eat 3 apple pies each. We’re all crying. It’s awesome.
[Date’s house]
ME: I’d love to see u againDATE: That would be nice
ME [whispers to her dog] ok what do I do she thinks I’m talking to her
Losing my mind over the idea that pigeons existed before cities. Like can you imagine pigeons just hanging out in a forest? Eating bugs instead of gutter bagels? I personally just don’t buy it.
How can a middle aged unemployed rat with 4 teenage turtles afford so much pizza?
There are some “IDIOTS” in this world, That Always Reply “NO” to every question we ask them….
now tell me, Are you one of Them?
Not to brag but, they’re going to keep my résumé on file…
A girl at the gym waved at me so I waved back. as it turned out she wasn’t waving at me
so now I’m gonna incorporate the hand wave into my exercising routine until she leaves
The dog was pooping and before he finished a woman approached me and asked “Are you going to pick this up?” I picked it up and replied to her “I have no choice, this is my food”, and I walked away.
want to make it creepy? just add in my pants to whatever
Merry Christmas…in my pants
Happy New Year…in my pants
A colleague asked me “what’s wrong?”, and that’s a month of her life she won’t get back!