Every time my wife makes asparagus I think she’s trying to catch me peeing in the shower.
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Apparently saying “Alexa: skip” during my wife’s story is rude
Netflix: Continue watching?
Me: *can’t find tv remote*
Narrator: she was laying on the tv remote, but she never found it because she was too lazy to get up
OMG this view is amazing!!!
– me opening the lid on the pizza box
I SAID YES!!! 😍😍😍😍😍💍💍💍💍 ❤️❤️❤️❤️ someone asked if I was alone for valentine’s day!!!
Me: *Buys nutribullet* will this baby take down a vegan?
Cashier: No, it’s not an actual bu…
Me: *loads nutrigun*
Cashier: What the heck?
Me to my 18yo, who doesn’t like chocolate: What do you crave when you have your period?
Her: Justice.
Sex is cool, but have you ever had a can opener that actually works?
Hi, fire department? My cat is in a tree. Television has taught me that this is your problem.
Being eaten by zombies sounds less painful than running away from zombies.
why do people get so upset about bad haircuts. name one other problem that resolves itself quietly over time while you wait
If Jesus came back today, hipsters would be like “whatever Jesus, the book was better.”
If life’s a video game I’m controlled by grandma
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
[interrogation room]
me: tell us
criminal: he’ll kill me if i do
me: you’re making my partner very angry
my partner, who is also the lamp from the pixar intro: [shines light brightly]
criminal: i-
me: [holding back lamp as he tries to jump on criminal] shit that set him off
1818 – Rides for miles on horseback to find a newspaper to read by candle light.
2018 – If it takes more than two clicks, I’m not reading it.
When listening to skinny girls talk about losing weight it’s perfectly reasonable to battle cry then karate chop their tiny stomach’s.
*First Date
Her: Why are we at Home Depot?
Me: I wanted to see what it’s like to pick out bathroom tile with you. See if this is worth it.
Your Twitter Dom probably sits at the kids’ table during Thanksgiving
*watching Hoarders
Wow. How crazy, I think, as I open my drawer to reveal 12 of my favorite mascaras.
My son shut off location sharing on his phone and now I have to call my mom and apologize for causing her crippling anxiety every night from 1984 to 1987.
I’m proud to say my dog was a rescue.
He was behind this terrible fence.
In my neighbor’s yard.
me: for the story to progress, I really need to kill off some of the characters in the book I’m writing
my editor: but…you’re writing an autobiography??
me: 😏😏😏
Caught my kid forging my signature and I have to say, pretty good for a third grader
Comedians shouldn’t joke about serious issues. They achieved perfection with slipping on banana peels and there was no need to innovate beyond that
I just watched my son get a knot out of his shoelace with the tine of a fork and then put it back in the silverware drawer and OMG! HOW MANY TIMES HAS HE DONE THIS?!
When my son gets uppity, I like to remind him that I’m totally nailing his mom.
The purpose of twitter is to gain enough followers that you can post something like “eating a burger” and have 40 people reply saying hell yea
The only lyrics I can make out in the song “Informer” are “Hey farrrrmer…something….a leaky boom boom cow”.
Not 100% sure though.
If my wife thinks I won’t pick a fight in public because the waitress is uncomfortable, well she’s just wrong about that.