Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

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[being chased around my house by a murderer]


ME [puts Fitbit on] Ok carry on


Me: [giggling] who is Thor’s favorite rapper?

Wife: I don’t know, MC Hammer?

Me: oh.

Wife: [sigh] what’s wrong?

Me: nothing…I mean…why did you say I don’t know if you clearly knew the answer.


The way my kids use toothpaste they’ll never have a cavity in their bathroom sink


This is the scale that I will be using for everything from now on.


Every year my wife buys me Christmas gifts I didn’t ask for. Why would I need this many books about foreplay?


Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.


The goldfish just gave me the “just flush me” look. No way pal. If I have to stay so do you.


If you want to keep people away from you, just have a conversation with yourself at the supermarket self checkout, like there’s an employee there:
Me: Did you find everything you need today?
Me: Yes, thank you.
Me: Whatchu got planned for today?
Me: Just relaxing