Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.

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Sleep deprivation- because sometimes you cant afford drugs or alcohol but still want to feel delusional and irrational.


I may be short but I sure as heck can dunk. Donut coffee dunks are my speciality.


Apparently you can’t make a baby by adding water to baby powder, so don’t waste your time.


A lot of birthdays in November. It’s as if there’s some kind of romantic peak in or around mid-February.


ME: wow look at all these hotties

FIREFIGHTER: *rescuing a sixth person from a burning building* stop calling them that


I get it. True beauty comes from within. But until true beauty can wear lingerie and give a mean lap dance, I may have a few shallow moments


If you guys could choose between finding the love of your life and always having free internet access, what porn site would you visit first?