@Reverend_Scott *rubs magic lamp, genie appears*
“You get 2 wishes.”
I wish I got 3 wishes.
“Your wish is granted.”
Nice, nice.
“You have 2 left.”
@katy_baybay Every time someone calls me an asshole, I stand up like I’m gonna do something about it. Then I just end up stretching while I wink at them.
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@Reverend_Scott 
@SpencerLenox A mattress will double in weight after six years, just like everything else I sleep with!
@BombChelleMama_ Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
@wildrainbow2 Me: *eating a cinnamon roll*
3yo: Mommy, I want you to share like a good girl. Sharing is a good thing. *proceeds to take a bite of my food*
@HallpassCanada If you’re a grown man walkin around with a winter hat that has animal ears I can tell that @ some point people used 2 take your lunch money
@ericonederful In college I had 3 girlfriends at the same time. 10 years and a wife later, I have 0 girlfriends. Stay in school kids.
@AlexvanBeek Mary had a little lamb.. And then she had a very large kebab.
@MessJenkins The creepiest thing about spiders is their sexual attraction to spiders.
@SonOfCha Not only are all my tweets stolen, but so are all my thoughts. And everything I say. And my identity. And this baby.
@Fickle_Filly “Just act natural,” I say to myself as I purchase a spade and two large bags of cement.