Every time someone in a movie is being stalked, it’s like they can’t even hear the suspenseful music.
You Might Also Like
It takes 72 hours to make a rare steak in an Easy Bake oven so my dinner party might be delayed a bit.
Oh yeah, shit’s about to get real, I say, as I seductively unbutton my pants…..
to make room for this next bite of pie.
I always wondered how Neapolitan ice cream was made…
Creepy guy at gas station: you got boyfriend?
Me: um yes. I’m married.
CG: *shrugs* your loss.
Me:
CG:
Oh, you’ve got a cordless vacuum? Well my house is so small I can vacuum it all from one outlet, so who’s laughing now?
Michelle Obama should have dropped the mic and moonwalked out.
FINE!!
So I misread the ad
Apparently, The Cartel doesn’t NEED a drug snuggler
exclusively asking for swords for Christmas and if I get even one everyone who didn’t get me one better watch out
In a previous life I may have been a carrier pigeon, in that all I ever think about is going home.
… and for my next trick, I will appear to know what I’m doing.
Nice try, theatre ad. But some of us don’t need to put our phones on silent, for we have prevented calls with our deplorable personalities.
Responding to someone putting on their jacket, picking up their bag, turning towards the door and walking away by asking “you off?”
It’s funny how all those “best places in the world” lists always forget to include the Internet.
No one is more ambitious than a mom with a single day off.
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.
FRIEND: ready to go body surfing?
ME: [unstrapping a corpse from my car roof] let’s do it
On a scale of quack to quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack quack, what do you think of my duck-based numbering system?
I bought a Christmas tree today and the salesman asked if I was going to put it up myself. I said no, I’m going to put it in the living room.
A pasta maker is just a Play-doh toy for adults.
*hears recording of my voice*
Me: Haha! Do I really sound like that?
Judge: Please refrain from commenting on the state’s evidence.
Police:Is there anything you can tell us about your attacker.
Me:He was much better at fighting than me.
Police:Ok is there anything else?
Is it still murder if they said, “Some other time,” but I thought they said smother time?
my wife went to Costco 3 hours ago and now she’s ignoring my calls. this can’t be a good sign.
I stopped smoking cigarettes six years go.
I eat them now.
Having teens is fun because they demand their independence but then turn right around & ask you for $20.
Big decision to make? Sleep on it. Have a nightmare. Then you’ll be operating on pure adrenaline and choose more quickly.
The Masters would be a lot more interesting if there were starving alligators roaming through out the golf course.
One of the kids said, “Camping looks fun,” so tonight we’re watching The Revenant.
wife: I saw a baby on the way to work
me: how do you know?
wife: how do I know I saw a baby on the way to work?
me: yeah, did it have a tiny briefcase or something?
wife: what