Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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When Squidward lost his job and had to stay with Spongebob and he tried to tell Spongebob the TV didn’t work n Spongebob said THAT’S TWO THINGS THAT DON’T WORK 😭😭😭😭
Quick question, how long do you have to drive around with a cracked windshield before it magically fixes itself? It’s been two weeks and I think I’m doing something wrong.
What idiot named her Miley Cyrus’ grandma and not Nana Montana.
[work call]
Me: this is Erin
Caller: hey hun how ya doin this is Frank Ravioli I was referred to you by David
Me: (assuming this is an elaborate hoax by my best friend) oh sure Frankie Rav how may I help you
Caller:
Me:
Caller: David from (one of my best clients)
Me: oh no
It’s the 13th anniversary of “Umbrella”. What a good excuse for…
I’m only up to Covid 15.
No Spoilers Please!
I picked up a big pack of toilet paper in Walmart and some dude was on the same aisle like “dang sir what you gonna do with all that…” I wasn’t aware this needed an explanation but here we are
I would give up shouting at trees for you.
Not sure if i should be proud of this or not, but our employee handbook had 37 new rules added since i started working here.
Dads on here: my kid is such an amazing person. I love them. Moms on here: let me tell you what this little shit stain did today.
[hits rock bottom]
rock bottom : *calls 911 for being assaulted*
ppl have to stop making plans with me in advance because the me who agreed to the plans 3 days ago is NOT the same person as the me 30 minutes before the plans are supposed to take place
[*planning dinner*]
Me: “What sort of desserts do you like?”
Her: “Oh, any!”
Later:
saw a space station pass through the sky last night which was cool but what was not cool was that I saw a guy looking out the window and he mouthed “nerd” at me
I have never cried at the movies as much as I did after Les Misérables when my wife said I couldn’t have fried chicken for the drive home.
me: i’d love to go out with u but i am 198,000 bells in debt
bf: ur what
me: that raccoon drives a hard bargain ok
bf: the what
me: nook. he built me a house and pretty much all the residents rely on me and—
bf: wh—
me: —basically what i’m saying is i’m busy
Her: You’re up to a pack a day now—you have to cut back.
Me: [petting the alpha male of the wolf pack I just adopted] I can quit anytime.
You give me butterflies. I give them back. Please stop handing me insects, it’s really weird.
When you try to tell a story but start getting anxious and mess it up, that’s a panicdote.
20s: I’m on top of the world!
50s: stop the world I want to get off!
*Steve Carell washes hands*
*Steve Purell*
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
‘i have been exhausted since i was 30’
~me as a 29-yr old.
[really awkward birthday party]
FIRST EVER PERSON TO SING HAPPY BIRTHDAY: [takes deep breath]
Wanna know what 1000 marbles spilling on a tile floor sounds like?
Have kids.
Scene in Dirty Dancing where Patrick Swayze lifts her in the air, only I drop you because there is a line beginning to form at the buffet.
I missed your birthday because I didn’t log onto Facebook that day. #LetsBeReal
My kid can name 32 crayon colours but when I ask what colour was that car that backed into our’s he’ll say “a bit like my yesterday’s poop”
If I die, someone please tell my husband that my shoes are worth six times as much as I said I paid for them.
Me: “Wanna see something cool?”
*places piping hot bowl of soup into refrigerator