@QwertyJones3 I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.
@Crunch11b Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.
*at least it’s a short knife.
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@QwertyJones3 
@RidiculousSheri ‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”
@CulturedRuffian Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.
@Cpin42 To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.
@JoshDenny Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?
@English_Channel I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”
@thatdutchperson *seductively tries to take off sock with his other foot*
@KevinFarzad According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet
@WilliamAder Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.
@MrWordsWorth Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.