@Crunch11b

Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

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@QwertyJones3

I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.

@RidiculousSheri

‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”

@CulturedRuffian

Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.

@Cpin42

To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.

@JoshDenny

Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?

@English_Channel

I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”

@KevinFarzad

According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet

@WilliamAder

Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.

@MrWordsWorth

Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.