Every time someone says, “at least it’s a dry heat,” I want to stab them with a box cutter.

*at least it’s a short knife.

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I always keep a water spray bottle next to my bed in case a cat burglar breaks in.


‘You’re beautiful and I love you,” I yelled as I stood alone on the cliff, and my echo replied “I just want to be friends.”


Grandma, stop asking people what they’re supposed to be for Halloween-this is Walmart.


To catch chlamydia, you have to think like chlamydia.


Apparently 50% of people prefer pizza to sex. What is wrong with people? Have they never had pizza?


I would have finished law school earlier if I didn’t giggle every time someone said “penal”


According to tinder, every guy is at a lake holding a fish & every girl is on top of a mountain & that’s why it’s so tragically hard to meet


Starting to think the frog dissection skills I learned in high school are never going to pay off.


Sarah Palin isn’t racist. Some of her white friends’ best white friends have white friends who vaguely know someone who is black.