every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”
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Hey lady I’m no dummy…those are letters not numbers.
-first day of algebra class
Seems like everybody is wishing to find that special someone in their life, and I’m just over here wishing I could eat without getting fat
69% of people find something dirty in every sentence.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
A mosquito fell into my beer five minutes ago and now he’s naked and calling his ex-girlfriends and drinking my beer
Mom, can you take us to the maul?
-teen bears, probably
on earth: a magiciam puts his hand in his hat
in the rabbit realm: The Hand emerges. it is time. the rabit council must chose a sacrifice
My attempt to impress her with the tale of how I’d managed to fend off a hangry bear on a camping trip was ruined when AC decided I’d fired a warning ‘shit’, instead.
Now she thinks I’m both a coward and not to be trusted on her furniture.
why do baby clothes have pockets, who is going up to a baby and saying here hold this
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
When I was in high school we had to do an assignment where we kept a food diary and I worked at Baskin Robbins so one night for dinner all I wrote down was 14 waffle cones and 1/2 cup hot fudge and my teacher sent me to the counselor.
Don’t fight a cat. Use your brain. Use drugs. (From a veterinary textbook)
I wanted to start writing a sewing blog
But I lost my thread
For main female characters, prom is inevitable. Even if you try to skip it, a perfectly-fitting dress will appear in your life.
Lock the doors, or run far away. No matter where you go, prom will find you.
Me: Bed time
Hotel room: Good luck turning the lights off
Me: Easy. This one
Hotel: No. Bed light
Me: This one?
Hotel: Desk light
Me: This one?
Hotel: LOL You just turned on the curtain lights
Me: WTF? And that light in the wardrobe?
Hotel: 2400lux stadium lighting
Alarm: wake up
“I need a woman who can help me grow”
First of all, I’m not Fertilizer.
Me: I thought you said you were taking these boxes to the garage
My Husband: Yeah, at some point
Our 7 YO, from the other room: That means she wants you to do it now!
WebMD would be more accurate if every search result diagnosed you as a hypochondriac.
In the future I will replace my feet with chainsaws after accidentally cutting them off with my chainsaw hands.
Record breaking, visionary director Steven Spielberg: ‘Wanna play a dull, killed off screen character?’
Samuel L Jackson: ‘Sure’
If I had a yoshi I would ride him to work every day.
“Sup bob, see you got a new Kia, guess what I got, a fricken yoshi dude”
Two squirrels in the park were going at it on a tree trunk. And there wasn’t any sensitive content warning.
autocorrect: Dan!
me: No no, autocorrect, this is my DAD, we know him.
autocorrect: *growling* Dan.
me: *spritzing my phone with water* NO
I recently started a band called 999 Megabytes. We’re good but we haven’t got a gig yet.
Now that the government is in charge of sports betting, does that free up the mob to do like…high speed railway construction or universal healthcare?
I did vote once but only because I thought the line was to a buffet.
Dishes are like boyfriends. My roommate should really stop doing mine
Parenthood is so crazy. We’re really out here getting bullied by the people we made.
My family tasked me with prepping the canned cranberry sauce and I don’t eat berries from a can so I had no idea how it was supposed to be. It looked like jello so I smashed it all up and apparently I was supposed to slice it. My grandma is crying
Fight