@athleisure_monk

every time someone says “i’m aware” i always wait a couple seconds in case they add “wolf”

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@TheAlexNevil

Jaws 2 (1978): after the sudden death of his father, a young shark is forced to take over the family business in a seaside resort.

@HeroineAddict

Hey, people who use crystals or all-natural products instead of deodorant: You don’t need to keep informing us. We know.

@iLikeCatShirts

Got fired from Taco Bell because I was lick-sealing the burritos like a joint.

@Kyle_Lippert

If you look in your bathroom mirror & say “Donald Trump” 3 times, the hair in your shower drain rises up & starts yelling racist slurs.

@junejuly12

Well, maybe they shouldn’t have asked me to play lawn darts while my ex was standing there like some sort of human target.

@BoomBoomBetty

Installing a new drainage system, so right now there’s an open trench surrounding our house.
But I am absolutely no longer allowed to call it a moat and my order for crocodiles to fill it has been cancelled.

@BuckyIsotope

I’ve only been eating 6 spiders instead of 8 every year so I’ll have plenty for retirement.

@thepaulasuzanne

When Adele sets fire to the rain, she wins a Grammy.

When I set fire to the rain, I’m an “environmental terrorist”.

Fine.

@DanMentos

Harold & Kumar Go to White Castle (2004, R): Harold and Kumar go to White Castle