Every time someone says “it’s a vibe” I wish there were loopholes where murder was legal.
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[baby sitting]
“Hey, yeah it’s me. No, everything’s fine. Just a quick question about his legs.”
“…”
“So how many legs did he have?”
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
fbi: [injecting me with truth serum] give us the information
me: [already ugly crying] i don’t even know if i like nuggets or if i just like sauce
*sees 2% milk in your fridge* wow how’d you get such a low interest rate on your milk?
My 3YO thinks woman get pregnant by eating too much food that somehow creates a baby in their belly and I’m just thinking about how scary that would be.
“Do you want seconds?”
“HELL NAH! I’ve got three kids at home.”
I think when calories reach a certain point snack companies should be allowed to say “You don’t want to know” on the nutrition label.
Ooh I do like a good funnel
Chestnut implies the existence of legnut, armnut, necknut and the much anticipated buttnut.
On vacation, I ask the concierge to stand outside the shower and ask me random questions so I can feel right at home.
70% of being married is just wondering which of us is going to benefit from the life insurance.
6 months ago I started a journey to transform my body to prove that anything was possible. You have to want it. You have to wake up everyday and put in the work and thats why I haven’t started.
You’re not alone. You have an ecosystem of microorganisms on your skin.
sure my tattoos will look stupid when i get old but have you ever considered that they look stupid now too
Nobody works harder than a drunk person trying to carefully whisper a secret.
[first day as car salesman]
Customer: Cargo space?
Me: Car no do that. Car no fly.
Manager: Can I see you in my office?
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
i have never seen a chameleon in real life and i dont know if that means i havent or i have
Guac just sounds like someone died before they could say the whole word.
ME: well well well, look who’s about to make a killing
MURDERER: [just stabs me even harder]
Me: pick your poison….
Him: a margarita would be nice…
Me: that’s not how an lethal injection works, Chad
I backed my car away from the intersection so a jogger could run by and they waved at me THREE times.
In my head, we are now married and have two children, Charles and Ariel.
Calm down penguins. You’re just a flashy suit and a few body parts away from being a platypus.
I’m eating the potato off my 3yr old’s French Fries because he doesn’t like potato, in case you wondered if parenting was right for you
Me: *ordering “Boyfriend jeans” online* OMG I can’t wait for them to get here, I wonder what kind of boyfriend they come with!
Say what you want about Korn, but they really cornered the incorrectly spelled vegetable band name market.
DAREDEVIL: When I went blind, other senses sharpened to compensate for the loss.
*licks a doorknob*
Meteorologist: Dress for the 70s today.
Me: Okay.
HIM: Why is this sticky?
ME: Remember that crazy sex we had? I got pregnant and now we have a 2YO contaminating the entire place with filth
[neighbourhood watch meeting]
john: i have some disturbing news, we have a cold-blooded killer in our community.
suzy: omg who could it be?
lizard: *basking in the sun* yea omg who could it be.