Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
You Might Also Like
I asked my 13-year-old what time I need to pick her up tonight. She told me to check the practice schedule she already gave me. That’s the kid version of “as per my last email.”
If you would have told me 20 years ago that I’d be posting stupid jokes on the internet, I would have said what’s an internet.
“Yogurt!”
Gurt: “Yes?”
My kid found a sick eagle and asked me to help it
Son: have you done this before or you just going to….WING IT?!?
Me: no…dummy. I can’t lawfully touch him it’s….ill-eagle
In a movie, whenever someone gets fired they never have two boxes of belongings.
Imagine of clown was just a way of life and not a job. You go to a restaurant and there’s a clown waiter. You get sick and there’s a clown surgeon.
I’ve discovered a magical land through the back of the wardrobe, it’s inhabitants are similar to my neighbours, albeit a lot more hostile.
I’m not saying my kids undermine my authority, mainly because they’ve not given me permission to.
As a child, I thought that more recipes would call for Eyes Of Newt…
The person who stole my identity sent me a sympathy card
[Prison]
ME: Just don’t mention anything about breaking free & they won’t suspect a thing*guard enters*
FREDDIE MERCURY *clears throat*
Ok. Seriously, stop feeding the gulls.
We don’t have voluntary control over our internal organs because our brains don’t trust us enough to keep ourselves alive.
“This is a terrible wine tasting event. ” – me at church.
HER: but you can’t leave me – I’m carrying your baby!
HIM:
HER:
HIM: actually, that’s how babysitting works. I’ll be home in 2 or 3 hours
A water park, but it’s just the bathroom counter after my kids brush their teeth
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Personal Trainer- So how have you been cutting your carbs?
Me-Mostly with a bread knife or a pizza slicer
Phone
Me: *rushed* I’ll be there but I need to get the chocolate rice crispies cereal out of my hair first
Person: How…
Me: I don’t want to talk about it
Our tree caught on fire we threw it outside and the dog dragged it back into the House
*at boss’s funeral, kneeling and whispering at coffin*
Who’s “thinking outside the box” now, Gary? Not you that’s for sure
accidentally left my turn signal on for a couple minutes so now i’m going back and turning at all the places i indicated i would
Sorry Windows. The only thing a “strong” password will do is lock me out of my own computer when drunk. 1234 it is.
Fun thing to say to your neighbors on the first meeting: I love the way your hair smells when you’re sleeping.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again
Friend is going bungee jumping so I told him he was born because of a broken rubber and he could die the same way. He didn’t laugh…
Middle of the night In bed:
*Loud noise*
Wife – Did you hear that?
Me –
Wife – I said did you hear that?
Me (under the bed) – Yes
Mom bod is what happens when you spend too many years cleaning the kids’ plates.
With your tongue.
Give me a minute, I can make this about me.
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.