every time the weather starts to warm up those fraps start lookin goooood
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Rich people are telling us their lack of bathing habits to try & discourage us from eating them
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Boxing and fencing
Two sports that have nothing to do with boxes or fences
The ample amount of cheese on anything is more
I just had to add “velociraptor” to my Microsoft Word dictionary because apparently I missed the dinosaurs expansion pack or something.
“Where you going, we’re in the middle of a conversation.”
OMG! This is just the middle.
Annnnnd that’s how the fight started.
Screw you, targeted Facebook ad for adult diapers!
*thinks about not having to pause TV or games*
*orders some*
I’m not fat. I’m famine proof.
I like to intentionally barge into guys wearing camo and then look around bewildered like I have no idea what I just ran into.
My days of chasing men over. I’m all about chasing food trucks now.
Sometimes 6 is smart like her mom and other times she gets her head stuck in the footboard of her bed when she’s supposed to be sleeping.
You, an intellectual: Actually it’s not called “Calvary”, its real name is “Golgotha”.
Me: Weird hill to die on, but okay.
Not to brag but I can still fit in the same parking spot I could last year.
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
Dads will be like “I don’t cry” but then get misty-eyed thinking about how beautifully they backed into a parking spot
Keep it mysterious, ladies…
Him: See you next time. Me: Maybe.
Him: Do you want your receipt?
Those guys who came by the office to ask for protection money kept breaking things. Like I’m going to pay people that clumsy to protect me!
Word of the day:
Polymer – Noun – A mermaid with three boyfriends.
Marie Kondō’s method really has been magical. I’m ridding my home of anything that doesn’t “spark joy.”
So far I’m down one washing machine, one vacuum, and a husband.
Me: An icicle is the perfect murder weapon. It just melts!!
He: I asked about the perfect date.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
Jewelry stores should just be like: Whether you’re trying to be nice or trying to get laid- we got you covered.
*gently pushes Spider-Man out the door with a magazine*
Become a minion. Get that bread.
me: the earth isn’t flat
fiat earther: correct
me: huh?
fiat earther: it’s the shape an italian car
me: what?
fiat earther: you read my name wrong didn’t you?
People acting all happy and energized first thing in the morning 🙄 chill out. You aren’t a teletubby.
where’s that tiktok video of that guy dancing in front of some cows and the cows are slowly backing away from him and then he hits one move really hard and they all run away
If you loiter in a Tibetan spiritual leaders sandwich shop every day, then you dilly dally in the Dalai’s deli daily.