Every time this gets RTed a member of Congress gets kicked in the groin.
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I did nothing wrong—I tried to do nothing and did it wrong.
whatcha thinkin bout
We all have that one friend who likes to play wrestle and then gets mad when you punch them in the mouth.
Just saw a grasshopper jump on cement.
THEY’RE EVOLVING.
I have fired anyone at the company who has asked about the loud crying coming from my office
The best revenge is living well, so I really need to know what the second best revenge is.
‘It’s about the journey, not the destination’ sounds like something the inventor of the hot air balloon came up with.
The women at the club tonight are so unapproachable. Getting discouraged. Good thing mom is here to tell everyone what a super guy I am.
Big shout-out to the guy in Costco buying a lifetime supply of what he thinks are the right size diapers.
[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”
Blind Date Tip: In the middle of dinner throw a surprise punch to see if they are really blind
“Don’t worry, the spider is smaller than you”
“Yeah….so is a grenade”
judge: do you swear to speak the truth and nothing but the truth
me: yes
judge: who do you like
me: omg dare
*wife stares at me*
*I stare at her*
*she frowns*
*I smile*
“You didn’t notice my new-”
“NICE HAIRCUT AND GLASSES.”
“Dress.”
[introductions at a party]
Me: this is my first wife
Her: and current wife
Me: and these are her kids
Her: they’re also his
Me: we keep it friendly
Her: on account of we’re still married
Me: and I love these kids like they’re my own
Her: because they are
*job interview*
“Where do you see yourself in five years?”
“Mirrors, puddles of water. Basically anything with a reflective surface.”
I’m a carb girl, born and bread
[stranded on Mars journal]
day 1: rob and I have enough oatmeal to last us 300 days
day 2: I ate rob
When humorists pole-dance it’s called a comic strip.
It doesn’t have to be a plane crash. If we’re stuck in traffic I’ll seriously consider eating the Uber driver.
Are they bowling to earn soup or bowling on behalf of soup
I’m being held hostage in the front room by the cat guarding a slow worm in the kitchen 😱
[people leaving the reading of my last will and testament]
why did he have so many tamagotchis
Ok, I think I’ve pinpointed who screwed up the ozone layer
”Oh no! NO! Oh my god!” but wife finds out that her husband has a secret ”almost dirty” sock drawer
That tweet was so bad I felt sorry for the alphabet.
[little old lady struggling to pick up her bag of library books off the floor]
Me: [walking by]
“It’s easier if you lift with your legs.”
[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind
Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese
Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first
Titanic passengers clearly didn’t read the fine print on their tickets:
“All sails are final.”
Why?
How I answer every text when my friends with little kids ask me what I’m doing tonight
Related – I never babysit