Every time you do a shot of tequila, an angel hi-fives a fairy and they agree to meet later to kick you in the head while you’re sleeping.
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It’s not ‘easter’, it’s ‘more east’. So stupid.
I am officially old enough to have to put on glasses to find my pants
“I lost my Khakis”
– a guy from Boston who lost his car keys.
And that’s why you clean your room, kids.
I want a girl who’s crazy, but considerate. Like, if she stays home on a Friday night, she’s not resting — she’s giving the world a break.
Waking up with a hangover in your 20s
vs
Waking up with a hangover in your 40s
I’m going for a run. I have some severely unused sexual energy and tension I need to pound out.
I should be back in about eight days.
My youngest son hid a Ziploc bag of Froot Loops in his pajama drawer so that he wouldn’t miss out on the “good cereal” if he woke up late tomorrow, in case you wondered what growing up in a big family is like.
Ive been so busy photoshopping memories for my daughter. Now she can remember the time we went to the running of the bulls in Spain.
interviewer: we like to think of ourselves as a family. we like to have fun.
me: well, which is it?
Every spy movie character who gets shot:
I need to find a doctor.Screenwriters:
Best we can do is a veterinarian.
If I plant a McRib can I grow a McWoman?
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
Went on a date and the guy asked me my blood type. That’s normal right?
*Puts lock box on kidneys*
“What should we put in the middle of this mall?”
How bout some chairs?
“That idea sucks”
A little pond to throw money in?
“Oh hell yeah”
My parents encouraged our interest in the performing arts by telling my sister and me to act like we had some sense when we were in public.
My friend asked me today if I started Christmas shopping.
I’m crying. While digging a hole to bury her.
her: this man needs medical help
me: let me through I’m a doctor
her: why are you opening his mouth?
me: no cavities
her: he’s having a heart attack
me: flosses regularly
her: do something
me: there’s nothing I can do his teeth are great
Sorry I missed your call 7 months ago. Is everything okay?
if i were a 400 year old immortal vampire, i would simply not enrol in a local high school
“Don’t put your brother in the fridge” is something I never thought I’d say, yet here I am.
Shouldn’t octopus apendages be called eightacles?
I like Halloween because no one questions the human skulls I keep on my front porch as long as I put candles in them.
An obese old man who breaks into your house at night? A tiny flying woman who buys your dead teeth? It’s a wonder children can sleep at all.
Don’t believe cartoons. No matter how hard you throw a toilet plunger, it won’t actually stick to someone’s face.
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
No matter how cold it is, someone is sleeping with the fan on.
I don’t mind when a waitress says, “Is Pepsi fine?” when I ask for some coke.
But when my drug dealer says it, it’s kind of annoying
I’d like to apologize…
To anyone I have not offended.
I’ll be with you momentarily.