Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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Revenge is a dish whose photos I haven’t yet seen on Instagram.
*200,000 years ago, nomadic hunter/gatherer clan*
5yo: can I have mac n’ cheese?
*parent invents farming, grows wheat, invents pasta*
*domesticates cows, invents cheese*
*invents metallurgy, makes a pot*
*controls fire*Parent: ok, kiddo, here you go
5yo: I’m full from leaves
police: come out with your hands up.
me: no.
police: why not?
me: you’ll tickle my ribs.
police: will not.
me: promise?
police: promise.
me: ok *comes out with my hands up*
police: someone’s… TICKLISH!
me: nooooo
A shark, a crocodile and a giant spider walk into a bar.
There’s no punchline. It’s just a typical night in Australia.
What if because of climate change, Nessie is forced to emerge and blend with society and we find out it’s the sweetest, most caring, nurturing creature ever? And all of you a-holes have been calling it ‘monster’ when the monster is really YOU!?
I can’t get the cork off my dinner.
If you’re not happy single, you won’t be happy in a relationship. True happiness comes from watching a seagull shoplift snacks from a convenience store, not from another person.
Happy thanksgiving!
What base is it when she says, “I saw a box of fish sticks and thought of you”?
You can’t force someone to love you. All you can do is hire a panda suit and wait outside their window reading sonnets.
Police on bikes arresting someone:
“You’re under arrest. Get in the basket”
I hate when I drop my chili cheese dog in my car and then I have to eat my whole car.
When an unattractive woman in a bar asks me my sign I tell her “Stop.”
My charger only works if my phone is on a 45 degree angle, resting on a tiny pillow with Pat Benatar playing quietly in the background.
Whenever I experience happiness, I signal this to other humans by showing the sharpest part of my skeleton.
I wouldn’t want lesbian parents. Not because I’m homophobic. I just don’t want to get stuck in an endless loop of “Go ask your mother.”
[Cops at crime scene]
Cop 1: Criminal scum. They must have taken every single toilet.
Cop 2: Wow, they really left us nothing to go on.
My neighbor is pissed at me because I started dating her ex boyfriend so soon after they split up.
She dropped him and I feel the 5 second rule applies here
She does not
87% of parenting is yelling, “DON’T MAKE ME COME IN THERE,” from a different room.
[first day as a vet]
me: what’s the problem
cat: meow
me: yes but where
good morning to everyone except people who do that thing where they sigh louder and louder until someone finally asks what’s wrong
“DADDY THERE’S A SPIDER IN MY ROOM”
[sound of me nailing door shut]
Wife “WTF are you doing?”
Its too late for her now she’s as good as dead
*puts on workout clothes*
*opens a jumbo size bag of Doritos*
Upon graduation from the University of Phoenix, do they just send you a screencap of your degree?
[Garden of Eden]
EVE: If I eat the apple I get to leave?
GOD: Get to?
ADAM SANDLER: Eatin that appley bappodoodaly
EVE: Yes, get to.
shrek was successful because it was a farquadrant movie
me: I need to see the doctor
receptionist: ok, name?
me: I can’t remember but he has gray hair
The Sun
Boss: why’d you leave early?
Me: you said cease the day
Boss: yes I said seize the day
Me:
Boss:
If you do happen to find the house giving out the drugs you should give me the address and I’ll most definitely report it to the proper authority people