@JenAshleyWright

Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.

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@Piecezilla

You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.

@ozzyunc

What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?

@GibJimson

The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.

Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.

@carlyken

[Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”

@hansdickie

What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day

@sofarrsogud

Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.

@hellohappy_time

Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]

Her: are you alright?

Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW

@impaulmccoy

Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?

Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.

@BeagirlNJ

Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies

@Playing_Dad

*Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?