@Piecezilla You can buy a birthday cake every day if you want to. They don’t even check ID.
@JenAshleyWright Every time you get dressed remember that, if you die, that’s your ghost outfit forever.
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@Piecezilla 
@ozzyunc What’s that little “-” in front of the temperature mean?
@GibJimson The new guy at work has been getting a lot of customer complaints lately.
Probably because I wear his name tag when he’s not there.
@carlyken [Michael Bay directing]
“WE NEED A HOTTER CHICK”
Teacher: This is your son’s 3rd grade play
“Oh right. I forgot. WE NEED BIGGER EXPLOSIONS”
@hansdickie What’s upsetting about hearing my neighbor have sex is realizing she can hear me ask my dog if we’re best friends multiple times a day
@sofarrsogud Couldn’t remember the word ‘duck’ earlier so I called it a lake chicken.
@hellohappy_time Me: [shaking uncontrollably watching political satire]
Her: are you alright?
Me: YES THIS IS HOW I RELAX NOW
@impaulmccoy Salon: would you like to receive haircut reminder texts?
Me: no thanks. I have a mirror.
@BeagirlNJ Top 5 things to ditch in 2017
5. Debt
4. People you don’t like
3. Facebook
2. Drama
1. The bodies
@Playing_Dad *Clark Kent leaves his glasses on the coffeemaker at work*
Lois: Anyone see the coffeemaker? You, with the glasses…seen the coffeemaker?