Every time you make a typo
the errorists win.
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My neighbor’s dogs are named Calvin and Klein. They’re boxers.
Stuck in traffic? We have the solution for you… Call customer service so all your vulgarities aren’t wasted.
*slowly backs away from you
*down the stairs
*out the door
*along the street
*through the airport
*onto to a plane
*into another country
My toddler gave me his Christmas list and it’s ridiculous. Like a majority of this stuff sounds completely made up. “Robot crab that transforms”? Why would anything like that even exist?
*checks Amazon*
I wonder if he’d like that crab in red or blue
[filing for legal name change]
Judge: and what’s the reason for the request?
Me: I was owned pretty badly on line
Judge: *removes glasses and squints* oh my god are you the guy that thought bears were fat dogs
My 7yo asked her brother for a hug and it was the sweetest sibling moment, then off to school he went with a slap me sign on his back
I’ve licked everything so everything is mine now
~ toddlers
#CoronaOutbreak
If a swan broke my arm I’d keep it quiet. Embarrassing. “Help, I’m being beaten up by a big white lanky floating chicken.” Not cool.
When you ask your waiter for an extra pickle, don’t wink. It can easily be misinterpreted.
What kind of vegetable does an Elephant eat?
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Squash
Old Black men vs. Technology is the most heated rivalry in human history.
Turns out if you don’t click “turn in” when you’re done with your assignment on google classroom, you won’t get credit for doing it.
– my 11yo, genuinely shocked at this discovery
happy mother’s day here is the result of my mom voice texting while talking to her dog
How to French Braid small child’s hair:
-Duct tape child to chair
-Separate hair into sections
-Sorcery
– tie with ribbon
Pigeon open mic night.
Someone said I should think before I speak and I said “eww what a horrible way to live”
Forced homeschooling has taught me I had way too many kids
I think I’ll keep wearing masks to concerts for the rest of my life so no one can tell when I forget the words
don’t understand why electricians aren’t called power rangers but okay
[Concert]
Singer: ARE YOU ALL ENJOYING IT?!!Everyone: YEAAAHHHHH!!!!
Me: ᶦᵗ’ˢ ᵛᵉʳʸ ˡᵒᵘᵈ
Me: okay yeah, cool Wu Tang shirt bro, bet you can’t even name one song.
6 month old baby: ……..
I photoshopped some long arms onto a T rex. Those short ones don’t look so stupid now, do they?
Screaming out “BOOM PREGNANT!” during sex is never as funny as you think it will be.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
‘New year new me’ I whisper as I polish off a brick of cheese and pray that this year I’m not still lactose intolerant.
For $600 and a box of Little Debbie snacks, I’ll smuggle you into Ireland where you can live out your days with a bog witch of your choosing.
How many calories does an ice cream headache burn?
Funny you should ask, I do have extra body bags.