@MichaelJErhart

Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

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@girlontapas

I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.

@cwhudson

[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over

@EndhooS

boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car

@inojperez

“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.

@daveexplosm

Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians

@a_simpl_man

My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]

@Rollmaninoz

my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides

@CornOnTheGoblin

[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions

@Kyle_Lippert

Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches