Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.

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I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.


[couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over


boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car


“It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.


Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians


My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]


my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides


[PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions


Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches