@girlontapas I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
@MichaelJErhart Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
You Might Also Like
@girlontapas 
@cwhudson [couple who talks via walkie talkie]
GIRL: [into walkie] this relationship is over, over
GUY: *cries into walkie* it’s roger isn’t it?? over
@EndhooS boss: have you been here all night?
me: [jumps awake at my desk] uh, yeah.
boss: trouble at home?
me: there’s a seagull standing on my car
@inojperez “It’s our third date and you still wear that shirt?”
Honey, this all they have in prison.
@daveexplosm Dogs lick each other’s butts to tell each other they like them. Just like politicians
@a_simpl_man My wife: let me borrow your phone a sec …
Me: [cartwheels into a volcano]
@Rollmaninoz my favorite part about fruit is when I run it under water for 3 seconds to convince myself it’s no longer covered in carcinogenic pesticides
@CornOnTheGoblin [PAPARAZZI] Bugs Bunny is it true u were shot by Elmer Fudd
[BB]°sips drink° that’s ridiculous °water shoots out of holes°
No more questions
@Kyle_Lippert Steps to getting into her pants:
1) Wait for her to fall asleep
2) Take her pants off
3) Put them on yourself
4) Find a top that matches
@trevso_electric It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.