Every time you push the potato button on your microwave, a potato appears in someone else’s microwave.
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Welcome to your 40s: nice olive oil collection.
“wYd oN vAleNtiNes dAy”
Going to work bro it’s Wednesday
When my date called himself the boogie man I was afraid we’d spent hours in a noisy club. Imagine my relief when we spent hours just randomly grabbing uncovered ankles from underneath beds.
It’s so condescending when self-defense instructors tell you to never go to a second location with your kidnapper, like, sir, do you even understand how a kidnapping works? I’m not trying to go ANYWHERE
13: Mom, you look younger every day!
Me: What do you want?
13: A new skateboard.
Me: How young?
13: 29
Me: Go get my wallet.
My best friend just ask me to be her maid of honor. What did I ever do to her???
<— 30 year old female who STILL snickers when the elevator door opens & the electronic voice says “going down”. Never gets old.
Me, Playing Twister
10: I win again!
20: Let’s play naked!
35: The dots seem farther apart.
45: I need to go to the ER.
I once matched with a guy on a dating app who had climbed Mount Everest. Twice. And he was still single. Using an app. That’s how hard dating is holy shit
Don’t eat my chocolate. I’ll be back Monday.
A Kids thought…..I found a whip, a mask and handcuffs in my mums bedroom.
I can’t believe it… she’s a superhero
*points at your toddler
So does it know any tricks yet?
[business negotiation]
Your reasons for rejecting my offer are valid, gentlemen, but perhaps this will…sweeten the deal.
*sets briefcase on table, opens it to reveal it’s full of strawberry Twizzlers*
“Go to hell” is so abstract. “Get trapped in a porta potty for 67 months.” Now that’s specific. That’s possible. That’s terrifying.
When people try to debate me online I’m just going to suggest they read a book I make up and that doesn’t exist
I think my invisible friend ate the last tin of cookies and drank all of the whiskey last evening and boy is she in trouble.
My amazing grandma cooked me some meals and this is how she labeled this one. God bless her.
Picked my son up after his second day of kindergarten computer class. He said he just watched Wild Kratts because he learned everything about computers in the first class. “I’m an expert. I can do your job now,” he said. To his credit, that was Monday & my boss hasn’t noticed.
Somewhere out there, there must be a toddler who has eaten all of their dinner after only being asked once. I want to believe.
I say I want a gf but I don’t even know what I’d do with one. Do you just kiss her and leave her alone in a corner? How often does it eat?
Me: I told you to pick up your clothes off the floor.
11-year-old: I did.
Me: They’re still on the floor.
11: Those are new clothes. I picked up the old ones
BREAKING: Polaroid photo taken. More on this story as it develops.
Hoping to get “till death do us part” reduced to a 15 year sentence and time served.
Mike said he’s breaking up w/ u cause you’re not very smart & u have issues
Me: OMG I DO NOT HAVE HIS SHOES WE DONT EVEN WEAR THE SAME SIZE
When I say things are going swimmingly, it’s important to note that I can’t swim.
If something isn’t fair and square it‘s wrong and oblong
Friend: I’m just not sure if she’s into me.
Me: Try faking your death. If she brings a date to your funeral, I’d say that’s a hard no.
Video Games in the 80s: Run! Jump! Eat this flower! Collect the coins!
Video Games Now: You are a broken man, haunted by the choices you’ve made. You do not fear the sweet embrace of death, but you still have unfinished business.
wife: did you vacuum under the couch
me: yep I did the whole basement