every time you say the word “turnt” a baby gets run over by a smart car
You Might Also Like
There are many effective ways of inviting me to your event but doing it on Facebook is definitely not one of them.
This dudes dogs 😁battle cry
When I say “let me think about that” it means I’m gonna ask someone smarter than me
My dog just came downstairs with a tie and a bottle of aftershave in his mouth so I guess he wants to go out.
What about second breakfast?
My kid told me my handwriting looked sarcastic, then corrected himself and said cursive, but he was closer the first time.
My grandmother reached 100 yesterday!
That’s the last time I get in the car with her when she’s late for bingo.
On a dark desert highway
Cool Whip in my hair 🎵
I’VE BEEN SHOT. SEND HELP! I’M GOING DOWN. Wait. False alarm. The wire on my bra just snapped in half.
Fine officer, then tell me what animals it is okay to get in a karate fight with. I’m waiting.
Witnessing a person attempt to use a word that is beyond their comprehension is like watching a dog eat a bee.
Ad guy: okay how do we sell the frosted flakes
Ad guy 2: what if there was a big handsome tiger you just wish would hold you in his arms
Ad guy: …hey Tom, how are things at home
Ad Guy 2: [tearing up] they’re great
My kids and I have developed an intricate system of hand gestures to communicate nonverbally. Our go to gesture is the throat slit.
Whenever I drink I turn into Jason Bourne. I can’t remember much, fighting comes naturally, and I have a sudden need to evade the law.
I’m currently helping my husband look for his chocolates that I ate last Friday.
“The 27 Worst Things About Going To Stock Photo University” – something I made years ago and I just found it archived, and I’m pasting it here in a thread
[childbirth]
her: omg its agony
me: i thought we agreed on tiffany
Apparently you can’t use the “don’t make me turn this car around” threat if your kids never wanted to go in the first place
At Christmas, a eight year old asked if I had ever heard of smash bros.
Nope never, let’s play, I’m sure I’ll have beginners luck
A high school student just asked if Titanic was based on a true story. Happy Friday.
At 11am my neighbour told me she’d been for a run, baked a cake and done 2 loads of laundry so I told her if she came at me with that kind of talk again I’d have to call the police
Wife: What do you think our song is?
Me: I’d have to say “Happy Birthday”. It’s the song we’ve sung together the most.
Wife: Idiot…
[Life Pro Tips]
when considering crime, avoid anything that could add the prefix “international” to charges
Candy isn’t bad for you if you keep it in a salad bowl.
Dance like you aren’t depressed. Sing like you didn’t kill that homeless guy. Love like you don’t have herpes.
My tombstone will read I should have googled it first.
Him: You look angry.
Me: *lowering the flame thrower*
Do I?
Bruh. Did y’all know bears DON’T HAVE collarbones and can fit through your DOGGY DOOR?
Because I didn’t.
[Showing Tom Cruise a video of me putting on a sock while standing] I do my own stunts too.
[First day as a mortician]
Me: Anybody seen my grapes?
[Later]
Widow: *looking down at casket* His eyes look weird