Every time you see a snake’s shedded skin, it means it got bigger. Same with me and the 4 empty Oreo packages you find in my trash.
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Autocorrect is like that idiot friend who tries to cover up your mistakes with worse ones.
me: hello darkness my old friend
darkness: friend is a strong word
*puts on white shirt*
*accidentally spills coffee*
*takes off shirt*
*shoves shirt into coffee pot*
*puts on brown shirt*
He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
How you gonna accidentally send an inbound missile warning to everyone in Hawaii by “pressing the wrong button”? I had to click “are you sure you want to do this”, verify my thumbprint, and solve an algebra equation just to unsubscribe from the Mr. Belvedere fan club newsletter.
When I hear teenagers talk I wonder why there’s not a high school class dedicated to learning the definition of the word “literally”
My response to my boss when he tells me to work harder when I haven’t had a raise in eight years:
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
Jaguar or leopard, it’s not going to matter in about two leaps.
i’m the instant oatmeal packets in your pantry that you never want, but are glad you have.
It’s widely known that some members of a prison population become well-read and crafty with words.
Sometimes you can mix prose with cons.
“WHAT THE…SON OF A..WHY ISN’T THIS- oh.”
*takes plastic shield off razor*
Me: Why is your face so cold??
Husband: *sheepishly* Took me a while to choose a snack from the fridge.
*Tries to warm up car*
Car: I have a boyfriend
Doing car review videos where I tell you if there’s enough elbow room to clean your ears while driving, how it sounds while in the car wash, and how much spaghetti fits in each Pringle holder
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to school every day?
Me: Because they watch you for free for 7 hours
1st kid: *makes own baby food from organically grown fruits and veggies fresh from the garden*
4th kid: *throws can of spaghetti-O’s in a blender*
Ibuprofen, youbuprofen, weallbuprofen.
– How can you read that without your glasses?
– I use my imagination
“I’ve made my point.” -good worker at a pencil factory
I opened my front door and saw a coyote in the yard and said “Oh, sorry” and closed the door like I’d walked in on an unlocked bathroom stall.
Kids: The floor is lava
God: Soon
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Terminator: “Come with me if you want to live.”
Me: “Oh, no thank you.”
*buys almond milk*
“I’m gonna get healthy!”
*drinks almond milk*
“This is gross.”
*pours Hershey’s chocolate syrup in milk*
“Perfect.”
The Alabama Supreme Court has blocked same-sex marriage on the legal grounds that it is 1953.
who wore it better?
*duck waddles into bar
Duck: Bread
*bartender takes slice out of bag
D (angry): Just leave the loaf
My mom was the best mom. I hope your mom spends today thinking about what she could’ve done to get on my mom’s level.
“What should we call the big finger?”
“‘Thumb’ seems as good as any.”
“Impressive. What about this smallest one?”
“PINKY!”
“………….”