Every video my wife has taken with her phone has me in it saying, “Are you taking a video?”
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grocer: [checking eggs] this one’s broken
king: how many horses do you have?
grocer: what
king: [panicking] how many men?
Welcome to your 40s, you now respond to every younger person telling you their age with “Jesus Christ”.
In 1000 years, archaeologists will find tanning beds and think we fried people as punishments.
*puts on wrestling mask*
*stretches*
*runs in place*
*cracks knuckles*Me: Let’s do this!
Kid: It’s just thumb wrestling, lady.
Me: Bring it, loser!
Is that a fresh botox treatment in your face or are you just surprised to see me?
[in hell journal day 211]
I’ve asked if it was hot in here 932 times in 211 days. the dark lord is angry but he has nowhere else to send me
—Interviewer: Do you have any special skill that can benefit our company?
Me:
Kylo Ren: We must find Luke Skywalker
General Hux: Why? He won’t fight & you don’t need training.
Kylo: He might have cool Vader souvenirs
Princess Peach has been kidnapped so often, I’m beginning to think she might be Liam Neeson’s daughter.
[Guy on street handing out free fake moustaches]
Me: how many am I allowed
Guy: just one
Me: we’ll see
Ghost: never eats, never sleeps, moans a lot
Vampire: sucks the life out of u
Werewolf: human w/ fits of howling
Child: all of the above
One time I put the burnt side of a grilled cheese face down on my child’s plate and almost got away with it.
Posh sugar daddies are called fructose fathers
we had no idea the Scorpion Team would be so aggressive
massive power vacuum on bluesky atm and i aim to fill it
i named my son “max” after hbo max, what am i gonna tell him in five years? it’s been hard enough already with his sister quibi
My toddler held my hand all the way to the bathroom, gave me a kiss when I sat down, then stole my toilet paper roll and ran out of the bathroom laughing in case you were wondering what it’s like to be a parent.
I thought my friends in their 60s were making love in the other room but they were just putting on their socks
I was voted, “most likely to interfere with a corpse,” in high school.
Mob boss: Feed him to the fishes
[Neil deGrasse Tyson bursts in out of breath]
Neil: Actually these fish feed off Copepod and plankton
Mob boss: Him too
Pro tip: Wearing an 18th century corset really weeds out the quitters
BUZZ ALDRIN: I spy, with my little eye, something beginning with E.
NEIL ARMSTRONG: Earth?
BUZZ: Nope
*5 minutes silence*
BUZZ: OK, yep.
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee
My mom is downstairs with my husband asking him if his co-workers are “fun” and “cute”. He’s miserable and I’m crying laughing. #BadWife
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
I have come up with the most awkward event of all time: the Father-Son wedding dance.
People in glass houses shouldn’t throw stones. They should utilize the cover provided by the transparent walls and return fire with lasers.
Give me a microphone and I will love you love loudly.
*family meeting at Noah’s house* who wants us to do what by when?
i hate it when Darth Vader puts eggs in my mailbox and then rides away on a kids tricycle