Every wedding video you’ve ever seen
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“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
the craziest thing about today’s story where a bear attacked a 12 year old girl jogging in her neighborhood is WHY IS A 12 YEAR OLD JOGGING
*accidentally watches MTV awards
“Who?”
The cashier at McDonald’s was more than happy to warm up some Diet Coke for my baby’s bottle.
Not to brag but my kid is so polite she woke me up to check if she was making too much noise
Who called it “online shopping while sitting on the toilet”
And not “buyarrhea”
me, realizes 5 is hiding behind the couch: what are you doing back there?
5: nothing…I don’t have scissors
Not saying my inability to remember popular figures of speech killed my journalism career, but it was probably the last snail in the coffee.
COP: Do you know why I stopped you?
HIM: We were going too fast?
COP: Yes. Get to know her first. Don’t just talk about yourself either.
Me: It’s late. I guess I’ll go to bed.
-My brain, who up until now has always been the logical one “Let’s put up a tent in the living room”
It’s awkward when I have to pull someone aside and point out that my fly is open.
Got introduced to a person at work then immediately forgot his name, so now I have to hire a private investigator to follow him home and find out his name because I am a guy and guys will never admit we forgot your name
♫ Hey there Delilah, what’s it like when u go grazing
I know u said you’re not a cow but girl this milk sure tastes amazing
Did u just moo ♫
Day 4 of quarantine – my dog wants me to go to work
This one’s “Alex”.
apartment hunting is so sick. landlords are like hey we need you to hand-submit an application to our friend gary. he lives in a treacherous swamp. he will run a credit check and ask for a lock of your hair. 1st months rent is due on move in. please mail a money order to florida
I hate when I go to review a podcast and someone before me said “wow, this pod makes my daily 6 mile run fly by!” and I’m like cool it also makes eating this giant bag of cheese balls fly by.
I hope this email finds you in a well
Pro Tip: don’t fall asleep during the middle of an argument with your spouse over whether or not you pay attention to her.
My son called out my daughter for not knowing which teams were playing in the Super Bowl and said that she’s only showing up for the food. My daughter stared him down and said, “I honestly don’t see the problem here” and slow blinked at him.
Anyway, she’s my new life coach.
Starbucks this morning looks like a scene from “The Walking Dead.”
I’ve been a foodie my whole life. When I was little I even added nutmeg to the paste before I ate it.
WIFE: I thought you said you were going to the gym.
ME: [playing Pokémon Go] I’ve been to like 3 of them today. What are you talking about?
“I’d like to get a trim.”
“There’s a bit of a wait.”
“No problem.”
“Name, please?”
“It’s-“
“Just kidding. Have a seat, Tom.”
Feb 14th іs for lovers. Feb 15th іs for lovers of hаlf prіce cаndy.
Call me old-fashioned, but I believe marriage should be between a person who hates pickles and another person who will eat that pickle.
If the majority of twitter’s trending topics are any indication of the state of humanity thus far, we clearly need an asteroid intervention.
hello, this is your hindsight talking, that is a very bad idea, don’t do that
Every day I learn something new as a parent. Today I learned I can’t sit through my daughter’s violin recital without a desire to die.
listed a taco bell employee as my emergency contact cause by god, before I leave this shit planet I am having one last chalupa