Every week, my parents invite me over for a Sunday roast. Then, after that, we all enjoy a meal together.
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Can we stop screwing around and make Pringles cans big enough to fit an entire hand? We have the technology
if Wonka had a spaghetti factory I’d get sucked into a marinara river tube so fast
Why does it have to rain men? Why can’t it rain something useful like Doritos?
I haven’t broken a mirror lately, but my water broke and I’ve had seven years of kids crawling into my bed
ME: wash the peanut butter off this knife
DISHWASHER: imma forge that peanut butter into an unbreakable rock on that knife
ME: please no
ME: *rolls up sleeves* time to fix the sink
WIFE: *rolling her sleeves back down* what is wrong with you just fix it
If I’ve ever had a crush on you, it means I’ve daydreamed about our first fight, our wedding, named our future dog, and retained a divorce lawyer.
[math class]
ME: {whispering} Were we supposed to draw a giraffe or a graph?
FRIEND: Graph. Wait did you draw a giraffe?
ME: Uhh-
FRIEND: {looks at my paper} But this is a graph.
ME: Yeah I’m not very good at drawing giraffes.
Me: It’s been a while since we’ve had to take one of the kids to the ER.
Trampoline: Hold my beer.
The five second rule doesn’t apply to babies. You can pick them up anytime after dropping.
A grasshopper just jumped onto my foot and I reacted like I was being attacked by a shark.
Imagine if every Sunday all your friends decided to only speak in a foreign language. That’s how I feel during football season.
Two cannibals are eating a clown. One says to the other: “Does this taste funny to you?”
I showed my husband the video of that giant baby. He said aaw how cute. HOW. CUTE. My pregnancy just got a lot scarier.
Heart: Go get her.
Mind: It’s so risky.
Body: Does this recliner vibrate?
It’s going to be super weird when all this shit is over and your boss is trying to get you to be all serious in some stupid meeting.
I just survived the apocalypse Carl, I don’t give a shit about forecasting
If hackers really wanted to scare us they would post all of our deleted selfies instead of stealing our financial info
If i were a hand model, at least i could say that i’ve banged a model.
The waitress said they were out of pizza but then much later I saw a pizza come out to another table. (My super villain origin story)
“Donald Trump is feuding with the Pope” is like the 7th Onion headline that’s become real life in this election season
Never make a promise you can’t reschedule.
The quickest way to insult a 12 year old at a restaurant is to give them a kid cup when they’re ordering off the adult menu.
I’m slightly concerned my answer for everything is masturbation. Can’t sleep? Masturbate. Poor? Masturbate. Lost the remote? Go for it.
Shout out to countless marine organisms who died, accreted on the seafloor, and compacted for eons so I could drive my Escalade to Kmart.
If you don’t have at least 1 white friend named “Matt”, then you are Matt.
I gave my boyfriend/husband my passcode for my phone, not because I trust him to be mature about what he finds, but because I know he’d never remember it.
Kind of jealous of how my alarm can go back to sleep after I tap snooze.
“Do you want to play doctors and nurses?”
*flirty giggle* “ok…”
“I’m a specialist. The earliest I can see you is May next year”
[standing fully clothed in the shower pretending to cry]
me: *opening the shower curtain* yeah this will work
real estate lady: ill draw up the contract
My superpower is being able to watch a movie 3 times and getting something new out of it each time (because I was scrolling twitter each time).