Every winter Olympic sport is based on something ancient humans had to learn to do in order to not die.
Except for curling, which was based on a game a mom invented to convince her 4-year-old chores can be fun.
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self-esteem’s so bad my fantasies are hurting my feelings
MEET ME AT THE PLACE NEXT TO THE THING GO NOW DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS
An old white man in a beard bestowing gifts from the sky? Please.
*sees a fly*
ahhh
*trying to swat fly*
nooo
*gives up*
well if ur gona stay at least pay rent lol
FLY: *hands me a tiny check*
ME: wat the
Mom: What are you planning to make for Thanksgiving?
Me: A scene.
“We have an idea for a video game. Picture a big gorilla on top of some metal framing hurling barrels at a plumber.”
That could not make any less sense. What’s the gorillas first name
“Donkey”
Her: your SO annoying!
Me: you’re 😐
This wombat looked more fun in the catalogue.
Anderson Cooper: “the Arizona wildfire is flaming out of control.”
Arizona Wildfire: “Wow, isn’t that the pot calling the kettle black.”
Having a lovely family holiday in Rome thanks to this free city guide
Veterinarian: Curiosity killed the cat.
Dog: Sure, go with that.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
me: I was busted by the cops
friend: weird. I had a plastic surgeon do mine
My swear jar is now worth more than my stock portfolio.
My 5-year-old found two pennies and shared one with her sister.
I grounded them both because I’m not raising any communists.
I just fought a child-proof container to the death.
*2 dogs watching a person walk into the house. one of them whispers to the other*
now, try not to go berserk but that’s the guy who knows where all the treats are
Therapists listen to anything you wanna say. The other day I was like “there is so much hair in the world and I feel like we could be doing something powerful with it but the hairdressers won’t comply” and my therapist just nodded
One of the greatest gifts my kids have given me is my high tolerance for alcohol.
therapist: so what’s the problem?
me: i have crippling self-doubt
therapist: are you sure?
me: …
therapist: …
me: no
The bartender just threw the bottle of vodka in the air and caught it. Maybe next time it’ll turn into a college degree.
Don’t cry because it’s over, smile because you were able to steal 12 of his hoodies.
Due to the weather, I was able to use the words “wet and slippery” at work all day without anyone thinking I’m a big perv.
Daughter: Daddy, did you know that our blood is blue in the veins but it only turns red when it hits oxygen?
Me: *turns to wife* This is what happens when you teach her stuff.
I like to reassure my wife that even though I don’t have huge muscles she is always safe with me cause I’m a really loud screamer.
What’s the difference between a camera and a sock?
A camera takes photos, and a sock takes five toes
My lighter has 2 options:
1. Nope
2. Flamethrower
Me at 15: I can’t wait to have an apartment and cook myself nice dinners every night 🙂
Me now: today I put a strawberry poptart in between 2 brown sugar cinnamon poptarts; I call it ‘The Berry Delight’ and it is bad
coworker: my favourite are samosas. what about you?
me lying about having tried Indian food: I mean how do you argue against samosas
A group of arsonists is called a firing squad.