Every winter Olympic sport is just a variation of either ‘get down hill fast’ or ‘knife feet’
You Might Also Like
A Jehovah’s Witness followed me.
I think I’ll send him a lot of unsolicited DMs with knock-knock jokes…
Men are like my peloton – I always think going for a ride is a good idea and then 5 mins in I’m sweating profusely and questioning everything
How many boxes of Thin Mints do I need to eat before I start seeing results?
What? You want to show me pictures of fireworks? That you took all by yourself? Hold on.
*drops acid*
Ok, go.
“Let’s agree to disagree.”
TRANSLATION: You’re so painfully wrong on every conceivable level that I just need you to shut up now.
I accidentally put my yoga pants on backwards this morning; and I’m absolutely horrified to say, they’ve never fit better.
blood is thicker than water, which is my secret to winning the annual county fair gravy contest every year
The Bible starts off slow but it really gets going when Satan shows up
ME: I wish I was irresistible to women.
JINN: Done.
[I’m swarmed by hundreds of otters]
JINN: Hahaha, you didn’t say HUMAN wom—what are you doing? Stop enjoying this.
ME: *Rolling around, playing with my new otter friends* More otters, please.
Pretty upsetting that during such times some people are still refusing to take their work home with them, like my kids’ nanny
I had two ribs removed so I could pet small dogs easier.
my son referred to me as “the 6 dwarfs” because I’m “everything except happy,” and honestly I’m not even mad, that was amazing
Executioner: *sweating, hauling up guillotine blade for the ninth time* Please, I have to go home.
Turtle: I won’t pull in this time lol
if you haven’t yet today pleaseeeee make sure you get in your hours and hours of screen time. you are your phone’s entire life. it misses you ♥️♥️🫶🏼🫶🏼 always remember this
As suspected, someone has been adding soil to my garden.
The plot thickens.
If you tell me to pick a side, I’m always going to choose potato salad.
Heading to therapy. Let’s all cross our fingers that some good therapist jokes come out of this.
It’s important for me to teach my kids to be independent & self-reliant, cause I won’t be around forever, especially if I win the lottery.
[doing an identification at the coroner’s office]
It’s not her; my wife has a head.
Pronounces Beyoncé as Bouncy
Just to piss off my kids
Def Leppard are a bunch of liars. I poured some sugar on a girl one time and it was a complete mess, she was not happy at all.
Wife: “Are you ok? You look exhausted.”
Me: “I saw one of those silica gel packs that says ‘Do Not Eat’ 4 days ago & I’m starving to death”
I miss James Gandolfini. Not least because his last name means “small wizard”.
[creating anchovies]
God: How can we ruin pizza?
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a boy, asking him to love her! And that’s when my son went back to playing Minecraft 🙁
So Ive started a sarcasm club.
It would mean the world to me if you joined.
My boyfriend is so rude. He hasn’t even introduced himself to me yet.
Fact: People do their most creative problem solving when they’re drunk.
(I didn’t say best, I said creative)
life is a continuous learning experience, so i can spend all my time not paying attention and drawing cartoons on notepaper just like school
Doctors who do lip injections should be referred to as quacks.