@EZ_G
@myonlymizztake Sex so vanilla Baskin-Robbins names an ice cream after it.
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@myonlymizztake 
@Tmoney68 I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.
@GreenishDuck Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.
@venomjunkie2 I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.
@dadmann_walking [out in public]
12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?
me: [showing him he’s wrong]
12: now you look like an idiot
me: i hate kids man.
@VejrnerH do you like my signals
I mixed them myself
@shamanhealer The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.
@SteelCityDawn A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?
@Eden_Eats The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.
@TEXASVETERAN I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.