Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.

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I’ve never enjoyed my surprise birthday parties because all I can think about is how good my friends are at lying to my face.


Was gonna climb over some guy’s arm but then I noticed he had a barbed wire tattoo on it.


I keep a banana in my pocket just in case, because I’m really not glad to see anybody.


[out in public]

12: did you know if you stick out your tongue and bite down on it you can’t breathe thru your nose?

me: [showing him he’s wrong]

12: now you look like an idiot

me: i hate kids man.


The doctor wants me to start eating healthier to add years to my life. It’s like he doesn’t realize I’m married.


A butterfly just landed on the tip of my cigarette & exploded.
What in the hell do they put in butterflys?


The sole purpose of a potato masher is to prevent you from opening a drawer.


I wish I was Jean Claude Van Damme, not to be able to roundhouse kick my co-worker, but to bore him to death as I act out a scene.