Every woman has an inbox. She carries it with her just in case she gets male.
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Tom’s of Maine is a really good deodorant to buy if you don’t mind spending a little extra to smell like you don’t use deodorant.
Just updated My Facebook status from “Single” to “In a Trinity”. #wayoverdue
leonardo dicaprio would have won 8 oscars by now if he was named after one of the cooler turtles
when I was a kid I was terrified of being born on feb 29 even though I had already been born
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
I don’t always try to use big words but when I do, I accidentally tell a mother her toddler was a necrophiliac today instead of narcoleptic.
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
When your license to kill is expired, you just have to make it look like an accident until it renews.
Pelican: OMG she is gorgeous
Water buffalo: Who?
P: That beautiful flamingo over there.
WB: Go talk to her.
P: She’s way out of my league, I don’t think I can.
WB: What do I always tell you Gary? You’re a Pelican…
WB/P: …not a Pelicant.
Me: I’m an atheist. Nothing is on purpose. Nihilism 4eva
Also me: *sees my birthday numbers anywhere* this is a sign.
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
me: could my thighs get any bigger? *sits down* me: oh look now they’re the size of Australia
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
*buys box of donut holes*
I won’t eat anything that casts a shadow
Me: And I would do anything for love.
Her: Put your phone down.
Me: But I won’t do that.
Her: You said anything.
Me: No I won’t do that.
Legend states that when you’re struggling with the kids and at your absolute breaking point, a stranger will immediately appear to say, ‘you sure look like you have your hands full’ before laughing and walking away
If I pay $30 for a haunted house I better die
When it says “fussy” and “cries excessively” on the medical form, are they asking about me or the baby?
“Excuse me, do you validate parking?”
I sure do, champ. *kisses your forehead* Your parking is second to none.
Got my flu shot and now everyone in Walgreens knows my safe word.
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
we shouldn’t limit ourselves to asking for autographs from actors and pro athletes and musicians. i want a work boot signed by the best forklift operator at the warehouse
Boyfriend and Boy friend…..
See that little space between the second one?
Thats called the friend zone!
My horoscope said I will soon find the man of my dreams. I thought, “I’ve been married 25yrs,” then I thought, “But I’ll keep an open mind.”
As the horse fell to the barn floor,
he quickly pressed his Life Alert …“Help…I’ve fallen and I can’t giddyup !”
My dog wants to register me as her emotional support animal. She’s already called the vet for the required paperwork and ordered me a vest.
At a secluded mountaintop convent, I would be the third nun to go insane.
Toddler: *crying* where are my cheese pants!?
Me: your what?
Toddler: MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: I’m confused
Toddler: I NEED MY CHEESE PANTS
Me: *crying* someone help me
Jamie Oliver says there’s “nothing worse in the world than an undercooked green bean”
I’m going to go out on a limb and say he doesn’t watch the news.
*Wandering the city*
Crap I have no idea where I’m at.
*Stops in a bar and gets drunk*
Okay NOW I recognize these buildings