Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
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HUMANS EVERYWHERE: If only it could feel like a weekend every day
COVID-19: Hold my beer
If you think you’re attracted to me, just know that I make my sandwiches like this:
This is your brain-
*holds out egg*This is your brain on drugs-
*puts egg on ground, spins it while shining lazers on it*
The deep ocean is so mysterious. Sharks and octopuses could be down there having dance battles and we’d never know. We’d never know.
Me: [trying to keep a stiff upper lip]
Mortician: we’re gonna need that back
it’s may 17. what’s next? may 18? i didn’t sign up for this
She texted me, “I love U”
So I texted. “I love U2….
Not their new stuff but from like the
90’s”Now my CD’s are missing.
Weird!
*fart noise*
ME: it was your dog. I swear!
GIRL: my dog died last year you liar
GHOST DOG: theres no way she’s gonna sleep with you now lmao
When my youngest brother was little he was being bullied and went to my parents for help. They told him “Sticks and stones may break my bones” they then asked him to finish the phrase and he said “but chains and whips excite me” he seriously thought that was he second part.
my 1-year-old just said “if politicians were more concerned with serving their constituents and less with appeasing their plutochrat overlords, then the rampant income inequality at the heart of our society’s disfunction might not exist goo goo ga ga” and honestly i felt that
Please checkout my YouTube channel and learn how to quickly remodel your kitchen in only three years.
*person walks past me minding his business and not bothering me in any way*
“What’s this idiot doing?”
And I’m not saying Big Foot is real or not real or bashing anyone’s beliefs. All I can say about that is if Big Foot suddenly shows up at my house, I’m not wasting time with photos. I’d just ask if he knows anything about plumbing or electrical.
The me that wants to lose five pounds and the me that keeps eating cookies need to have a talk.
Dog: [with a ball] throw this
Human: ok
Dog: but don’t take it out of my mouth
Human: what
Whenever I begin to lose faith in humanity, I am reminded that there are still everyday heroes out there doing the Lord’s work.
My milkshake brings all the boys to the yard and they’re like, “ma’am, it’s 100 degrees out here, and you don’t have a proper refrigeration system in place, so we’re gonna have to shut you down”
Huge, if true.
Harry: Want to see a magic trick?
Voldemort: Let’s see what you got Potter.
Harry: Got your nose!
Voldemort: You know I hate that game.
On Monday I have appointments at the psychologist and the gynecologist and if it was the 1800s that would be the same thing
I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it.
It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.
Superwife! Gets pissed faster than a speeding bullet. More powerful than your longest friendships. Leaps your decisions in a single bound.
A cactus is just a cucumber going through a punk phase.
I just saw a girl running without headphones and I feel I should call the police. She might be in trouble.
Me: I’m going to the grocery store…any suggestions?
9yo: [doesn’t look up from kindle]
7yo: I don’t care
Husband: Just get whatever[3 hrs later]
9yo: Aww, I like the other kind of rice.
7yo: Hey, why didn’t you get waffles?
Husband: *bewildered* You didn’t get granola bars?
I love showering with my husband. There’s nothing more intimate during sex than discussing water temperature.
Me: *works out entire body a lot*
Arms: Lol no
Abs: Ehhh
Butt: haha what
Thighs: I WILL BE THE LARGEST IN THE UNIVERSE
*job interview*
“Youre 30? Why haven’t you accomplished your life goals?”
“Tbh I thought the Mayan apocalypse was real. No plan past that.”
He’s a 10 but so is his volume.
I told my husband that our toddler won’t eat tomatoes and he asked why not, as if toddlers are normal human beings