@jilltwiss

Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!

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@flashember

COME TO ME JOURNALBOT

*Journalbot enters my study*

ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”

[very sad robot noises]

@jakob_huber

Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight

@_The_Man__

Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”

@wildethingy

In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.

@curlycomedy

Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.

P L E E Z

T O D A Y

N E E D U

S U I N G ✅

@

Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.

@kryzazzy

I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge

@MrYeager2

Wife: hey take me out tonight.

Me: can it wait till tomorrow?

Wife: why?

Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is

@Home_Halfway

I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.

@Reverend_Scott

[paying the check at dinner]

ME: how much should I tip her?

COW WAITRESS: oh no