COME TO ME JOURNALBOT
*Journalbot enters my study*
ok write this down: Polar bears are bear ghosts. “polargeists”
[very sad robot noises]
Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
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Villain: We meet again, Mr. Bond
Bond: You don’t remember my 1st name do you
Villain: Sure I do. It’s uh..
Bond: C’mon this is our 3rd fight
Wife: the library called about an overdue book
*eye my copy of Outlandish Excuses for Everyday Life*
“Tell them I died in the moon wars”
In the UK we celebrate Thanksgiving as the day we managed to ship all our paranoid religious fundamentalists off to another continent.
Landlordle – where the goal is to get your plumbing fixed, but you only get six chances to summon a super.
P L E E Z
T O D A Y
N E E D U
S U I N G ✅
Humans: [being replaced by shapeshifting lizards] ok everyone be on the lookout for people hanging out under heat lamps or eating lots of crickets.
I am woman, watch me fit 94 bottles of shampoo and 15 different body washes on my shower ledge
Wife: hey take me out tonight.
Me: can it wait till tomorrow?
Me: because tonight’s not garbage night, tomorrow is
I think the scariest part about having triplets is having to be pregnant for 27 months.
[paying the check at dinner]
ME: how much should I tip her?
COW WAITRESS: oh no