Every woman’s deodorant is called Delicate Whisper and every man’s deodorant is called Beef Shazam!
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*puts seashell up to ear*
Me: I think I can hear the ocea-
Seashell: Seven days. You will die in seven days.
Me: (to friend) It’s for you.
I’ve been yelling for years.
Now I’m convinced.
I’m definitely the only one here playing Marco Polo.
I miss the part of the pandemic when the pizza delivery guy would place my order on a little box and walk away from it like I was royalty.
Um, so you’re god’s gift to women? So was Jesus…look what happened to him.
You may want to rethink that.
*blows bubbles in your face to distract you as I take all of your tater tots*
My dog loves to catch frisbees but she always loses them. My wife said she wondered where they go and I joked that coyotes are playing with them.
This morning we looked out to see a coyote on the edge of the woods, playing with one of the frisbees.
DOCTOR: [holding $5 bill] what’s this for?
ME: it’s a tip
DOCTOR: okay but you’re still dying
ME: [hands him another $5 bill]
friends: if bruce wayne was poor batman wouldn’t exist
me: *under breath* what the hell does bruce wayne have to do with batman
Why do people say “no pun intended,” when they could just say, “pununintended?”
CW: What did you do on the weekend?
ME: I baked
CW: Nice. What did you bake?
ME: Me
Her: let’s role play
Me: ok you be Mr. Magoo
Her: what?
Me: no his hearing is fine
They say using smaller plates will help you eat less.
It took 3 of them to hold my dinner, not sure how this is helping.
I am bored. Anyone need anything avenged?
“let’s put computers and keyboards in our cars. now let’s go catch all the people typing on tiny keyboards in their cars” – cops
Never feel more attractive than when my picture of cornbread gets almost as many likes as my selfie. “She’s ok, but she’s no cornbread.”
I called a driver in the school drop off line a moron and 7 very solemnly said… Santa heard that.
I don’t want to house hunt, I only do it to keep house populations in check.
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
[eulogy]
line?
wife *comes downstairs* How long has my mom been here?
me: About an hour
wife:
me:
wife *lets her in*
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.
I used to be a person who couldn’t easily fall asleep, then I got divorced and now I sleep like a baby. Probably unrelated.
TEENS: You might find yourself “embarrassed” by certain things your body is doing, when in fact, you should be ashamed.
salesman: you’ll like this car
me: how many dogs fit in it
salesman: how many what
me: dogs. come on dude have you never sold cars before
Who needs a bull in a china shop when you have a 2-year-old contemplating Grandma’s figurine collection?
Forever 21… pounds overweight
i am genuinely afraid for the people who post on the shitty food reddit
Sometimes blank stare is the correct answer.
My friend used a fancy new charcoal soap and now she looks sketchy.
“Mom, I hate the word, ‘Hemorrhoid’. It’s like a weird planet. Hi,I’m Hemorroidian! Or oh no! A hemorrhoid is headed 4 Earth!” -my 12yr old