Every year, falling coconuts kill more people than shark attacks, but the families of the shark victims are less embarrassed.
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My girlfriend knows every single important date in our relationship history and I know she hates olives. She loves olives? Something olives.
In retrospect Rose only knew Jack for like 2 days
Don’t forget to wear your best clothes to church because Jesus was all about one-upping your neighbour with fancier duds.
Doctor: i’d like you to step on the scale.
Me: You first, pal.
IDK if you really want to impress me with your car…… get a food truck
there has never been a better use of this meme
Them: Holy shit. How high are you?
Me: *6 minutes later* No, you are.
Teacher: did you cheat on your math test?
Me: [remembering having sex with a history exam] umm no way
Me: *leads her to bedroom* This is where the magic happens.
Her: Nice
*4 rabbits jump out of a hat as a flower squirts water in her eye
Someone just posted an article on Facebook and said “file this under sad.” WAS I SUPPOSED TO BE FILING EVERYTHING
2019: Crowd surfing
2020: Channel surfing
Y’all realise that you can play a joke on someone without it being April 1st? Like no one is monitoring this!
Being vaccinated does NOT mean it’s ok to pose as a substitute music teacher at an elite private elementary school, expose the students to hard rock legends, secretly form a band, compete in a local Battle of the Bands and lose to No Vacancy!!!
coworker: hey circling back on that thing we talked about in december
me: stop living in the past
[walking down the toilet paper aisle]
Spouse: Who’s talking? Who said that?
Me: Very funny, I get it. I need a tan.
Life in your 40’s:
Friend: Come on…have a drink with me, it’s Saturday night!
Me: No thanks, I have to work Tuesday.
Person: Have you thought about having more kids??
Husband: No, but we’ve thought about having less.
[on phone with poison control] How much would I have to swallow to be just sick enough to miss work for a few days?
Girl: I like good boys
Me [trying to impress her]: *shapeshifts into a pack of smiley golden retrievers*
Kids: Yay! Summer break!
Me: Look at this Back to School Countdown Calendar I’ve created. EVERYBODY GETS ONE!
[13th century]
[my messenger pigeon flys in carrying a note]
me: oh hell ya she replied [i open the note and it says “read 7:49 pm”] god damnit
Colleague: All Fossil watches should hv an ancient look, to justify the brand name
Me: By that logic, Guess watches shouldn’t show the time.
I imagine Christmas morning at the Schrödinger house is quite stressful.
Before kids: my children will only eat organic meals. I will only buy educational toys. They will not watch any tv or have any screen time.
After kids: “Here honey, take your iPad and happy meal to the living room rug and I’ll put Nickelodeon on the tv for you.”
If you haven’t woken up from a nap covered in stickers, did you even fall asleep while watching cartoons with your preschooler.
You scream, we all scream, I apologize for entering the womens bathroom.
My parents decided to test their marriage by going to IKEA today
If I was a piece of candy, I’d be Double Bubble gum. Too hard and sharp at first, a fleeting moment of wonderful sweetness and then a long period of tasteless inconvenience.