every year i spend $1,000 on a bunch of concert tickets & i say to myself it’s ok because i don’t buy designer bags/shoes. I bet there’s someone out there walking around with a Louis Vuitton bag and Gucci shoes because they justified that they don’t go to concerts.
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Chief Exec: Any Ideas?
Writer 1: Talking Animals!
Writer 2: How about a Princess?
Writer 3: Kill the parents!
-Brainstorming at Disney
dentist: have you been flossing
me: have you?
dentist: [to assistant] can he do that
Gen X kids never wanted to come home. Modern teenagers never want to leave the house.
Gen X parents of teens are basically feral dogs raising housecats.
It’s not as serious as some of the parents in the elementary school pick-up / drop-off line seem to think
Me: yeah, I’m not going to make it in today.
Boss:of course, this snow is crazy.
Me: Snow?
[Intruder breaking into my house]
Me: *smirking* Those self-defense classes are about to pay off
Him: Huh?
Me: I’ll give you a 3 second head start
Him: Ma’am we got an alert that your fire alarm was set off
Me: *tightening karate belt* I know
Sing it!
Mankind is capable of unimaginable feats of engineering and yet the windows on the airplane never line up with the seats.
Failure isn’t an option? Just watch me.
Me: [Trying to cultivate an appreciation for classic rock in my children]
My 9 yo: After three days in the desert, I would’ve just named the stupid horse.
Shout out to weather for giving me SOMETHING to talk about when I encounter neighbors.
Once you find someone who’s rock solid about you, don’t take them for granite.
I just tried to start my car with my phone. You should know that my car has a keyless ignition. I’m pretty.
The Five Stages of Dinner:
1-optimism
2-denial
3-bargaining
4-chicken nuggets
5-dessert
Just a little reminder that the eight spiders you swallowed aren’t thrilled about it either
Cell Phone Manufacturers: We’re gonna release a brand new more advanced model.
Apple: We’re gonna release this shit in White. WHITE.
BAND: How’s everyone doing tonight!!
[crowd goes nuts]
ME (standing in the middle, normal voice): Ok I guess. Kinda tired.
Hell hath no fury like a woman proving herself by parallel parking
What does Frankenstein drive?
A monster truck
Getting your shit together just sounds unsanitary
I was fired from my job as hotel front desk manager for yelling “Get a room!” to every couple that entered the hotel.
Obviously, someone didn’t follow the instructions before assembling the cat…🐈🐾😅
(after sex)
Would you mind completing this brief survey?
a fun activity is leaving one-star amazon reviews for handsaws where you really lean into their ineffectiveness at sawing circles around various pies you’ve tried stealing from underneath picnic tables
feb 14: i love everything about u
feb 15: don’t breathe like that
Still cleaning up glitter from my 5yo’s school project.
She turns 15 on Sunday.
*points to wrist* this is my Fitbit.
*points to rest of body* this is my fatbit.
bartender: what can I get u
me: a lot
Birdbox, but it’s just me yelling at you not to look when the lights accidentally come on during sex.
me: lol you only hurt the ones you love
murderer: OMG shut up