Every year on Valentine’s Day, I put a smile on my wife’s face
by taking down the Christmas tree.
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Dog: BORK BORK BORK
Human: STOP BARKINGHow Dog Interprets this exchange
Dog: LOUD NOISES
Human: ALSO LOUD NOISES
Dog: O COOL WE R MAKIN LOUD NOISES TOGETHER NOW FREN LETS KEEP GOIN
Human: MORE LOUD NOISES
Dog: UR SO GOOD AT THIS
Friend w/o kids: I’m planning a meditation retreat next month.
Me: One of my kids has been shaking a metal tin full of coins FOR AN HOUR.
who called it a birthday instead of an am-iversary?
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
You say I’m handsome but you also said your employer cancelled your optical coverage & you haven’t had new glasses in 4 years, but thanks.
Reading my shopping list and finding “a shit ton of oats” clearly in goat handwriting again
Dinosaurs prolly have ghosts too, what if there’s a diplodocus just standing where your house is right now, bored as shit
“To boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What?”
“I said boldly go where no one has gone before.”
“What happened to the to?”
“It split.”
Looking for a nice bog witch to settle down with
Men love when you forget to wash your make-up off & wake up looking like an adorable raccoon but they don’t love when you randomly wake them up with terrifying raccoon noises at 3 AM. Interesting. Very interesting.
Sorry I headbutted you, I was gonna punch you but, I was holding wine.
Yes officer, I know my driving is not 100% perfect, but you have to agree that it is still pretty good for someone who is completely drunk.
This is a true ally.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
I work out by ordering a small drink at Burger King, then get up 100 times to refill it.
My wife and I decided to tell each other one thing about the other that bothered them. Everything was going great until it was my turn.
Overheard, my kids-
7: did you know when you’re older you’ll have boobies like mummy?
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3:
7:
3: don’t be silly, when I’m older I’ll be a panda
I had eaten two bowls of Meow Mix before realizing I haven’t been getting much sleep lately.
Repair guy: your AC unit is 26 years old which makes it hard to stay cool
Me: well I’m 42 and I’m still cool
Repair guy:
Me: *winks*
schrödinger: your results came back, there’s good and bad news
patient: what do they say?
schrödinger: [opening them] you have 2 weeks to live
patient: what’s the good news?
schrödinger: there isn’t any now
“We could do that, or…”
Translation: I’m afraid I’ve just placed your suggested plan gently into the bin.
I’d love this…lol
Twitter is like a very demented game of The Sims. Everyday I check to see how my people are doing and make sure they’re still alive.
Oh.
You have a boyfriendBut…
can he do this…( flexes flab )
cat faces on other animals, a thread
I lost my job today
“What? How?”
I just wasn’t a good housekeeper
“BUT YOU’RE A BEEKEEPER”
Well that explains all the screaming
just saw Gravity. excuse me while I go hug the earth.
A younger man said I have a smokin hot body for an older woman…
I’m not sure if I should thank him or put him in a time-out.
Flung my bra across the room and it sailed right into the drawer, if any of you are looking to start a basketball team that uses bras.