Everybody always goes on about how Michelangelo painted the Sistine Chapel on his back but they never mention how long his arms were
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me: it’s our third date, you know what this means
him: *confidently* I think I do
me: *saves his number in my contacts*
when my dog had kidney failure the vet said he had weeks to live, so we fed him kfc, food from the table, everything he wanted, damn dog lived for another 3 years before getting ran over by a van
Me: I really like her. What should I do?
Friend: Give her the time of day.
[Later]
Her: Hey.
Me: It’s 2 PM.
“I’m not like other American tourists.” I tell the waiter, who looks at us puzzled, so I sigh and repeat myself slower and louder.
there should be a “take your friend to work day” so we can actually see what our friends do all day and meet the characters from all their work stories
Under the age of one, babies primarily drink milk, but may supplement their diet with all the crumbs they find on the floor even though you swear you just vacuumed.
My wife: did you get high and watch samurai movies again
Me, crying: yes
My wife: did he die because he was burdened by the very code he lives for again
Me, my voice breaking into a sob: yes
I love when kids say moo cow cause what other kinds of cows are there besides mooing ones?
This hasn’t helped my bull get any sleep at all. In fact, the closer I get to him with the bulldozer, the more agitated he gets.
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Tired: Turner & Hooch
Wired:
If McDonalds sold hot dogs would you be able to (w/ a straight face) order a McWeiner and tell them to supersize it?
I want a name that can only be written using straight lines, so I’ll be changing my name to Wilx Kivz.
I hope someday they make tombstones that have a short repetitive video of the deceased person, so that my last words can be “I’ll be back in a gif!”
Day 3 of home schooling, just had a parent teacher conference with my wife and there was a lot of blaming.
bought candy at the movies and suddenly i can’t pay this months rent anymore
Me: Hmm, food is a splurge. Can’t afford it this week.
*sees a talking Batman cup*
Me: I absolutely need this right now or I’ll die
Guy walking in on me in the bathroom
Me: Excuse me. I’m on the phone.
[in the woods]
Me: *rescues a deer from a bear trap*
Deer: I have a boyfriend
Paddington 3: Paddington Goes to Film School
Pundit being interviewed on the BBC re Windsor Castle: “The Queen and Prince Philip would be here when they weren’t elsewhere.” And you can’t argue with that.
can’t wait til they legalize outside
Salon has hairs on the floor
Garages have oil on the floorBanks, What’s exactly your problem 😭
DOG: [looking out the window] wat a beautiful mornimg! the sky is grey, the grass is grey, the birds are grey and readey to eat,
Joined a band called The Upholsterers. We do Furniture covers.
me: just tell me I don’t die in an Arby’s bathroom stall
Death: [sadly looking up from his book] look, what matters is how you lived
Hairdresser: what’ll it be
Me: a haircut, dipshit
it’s time for some pepper spray
-me, in a crowded elevator
I received a lovely Valentine’s Card from a secret admirer. I suspect it’s the one I sent to myself with my handwriting disguised, but it’s a nice thought on my part, and I appreciate it, although unfortunately I’m not really my type, so the relationship won’t go anywhere.
If my kids knew there was a light in the oven, they’d leave that one on too.