@SassyChantelle

Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

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@mydmac

*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.

@karanlyons

Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.
>4: AAAAH KILL IT WITH FIRE.

@dumbbeezie

Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training

@UncleDuke1969

when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table

@Schindizzle

It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.

@thatdentaldude

My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.

@Brianhopecomedy

Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”

@brunopieroni

That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”

@MichaelTrying

A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.