Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late
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Got kicked out of the supermarket for aggressively cuddling the peaches again
Me: a pessimist sees the glass half empty; an optimist see the glass half full.
Wife: [returning from the restroom] why is half my mimosa gone?
Me: because you’re a pessimist.
A shake for breakfast. A shake for lunch. A sensible dinner. SEVENTY FIVE COOKIES AT 12:34AM
Vader: I AM your father.
Luke: Why are you telling me this now?
Vader:
Luke:
Vader: I need a kidney.
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, I’d want to know who’s paying.
10: “Did you know Saturn was discovered in 1610?”
8: “That’s not a real year.”
*in the front row of a James Blunt concert raising a sign that says THANK YOU every time he sings the words ‘You’re Beautiful’
Every time my kids start whining I get the urge to call my mom and apologize
wife: What’s wrong?
me [annoyed because the kids menu has a picture of a tree on it but they didn’t give me any brown crayons] Nothing
Therapist: You try too hard to get people to like you
Me: [painting her toenails] I need a “for instance”
Friend: How many girls did you date before you met your wife?
Me: That was so long ago. Who really rememb-
Wife: Thirty-seven
My wife asked me to help decorate the cookies for her sister’s baby shower, and then just as quickly asked me to please stop helping.
Monday: Greg
Tuesday: Ian
Wednesday: Greg
Thursday: Ian
Friday: Greg
Gregorian Calendar.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
I think my downstairs neighbors are beginning to suspect I’m living in their attic.
“Nope, not touching that… what else you got?”
-Me, as a therapist
Bikini season is just around the corner, unfortunately so is Dairy Queen. 🙄
If you ever go backpacking in the wilderness, be sure to wear corduroy pants, so you can start a fire if needed.
CW: Aimee, could I get your signature on this agreement?
Me: *pauses*
(with Cheeto stained lips)
*kisses paper*
CW:
Me: That’s my signature.
Why do they call it multiple personality disorder and not being a people-person?
The best part about putting your cat on a diet is the frequent wake up calls every couple of hours starting around 2am 🙃
Mosquito’s are like dirty used needles, that can fly.
Standing in front of a mirror looking at my naked body and thinking… “I’m going to get thrown out of this Ikea pretty soon.”
Airports have the right idea. If you’re gonna stress people out, at least give them bookstores, coffee, cocktails, and let them wear sweatpants. It’s only fair.
I’ve found that Tupperware is a lot cheaper if you buy the ones that come filled with ice cream.
I forgot the word “rake” so I called it a yard comb.
I can’t come into work. I opened a cursed sarcophagus and now I gotta put a pharaoh’s soul to rest. I DUNNO, TAD, I’LL PROBABLY BE IN MONDAY
*cleaning Dorito dust off of a crayon drawing of Spongebob* yeah I restore art
Voldemort: I’m here to kill Harry Pott- [struggling to open baby gate]
James Potter: push down and then pull back
Voldemort: I am [still struggling]
Lily Potter: jiggle it he needs to jiggle it
Voldemort: I AM JIGGLING IT; You know what forget it I’ll come back when he’s 10