Everybody always says say “No!” to drugs, but I’m thinking that if you’re talking to drugs, it’s too late

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*goes to church

I need all this water turned into wine. Thanks.


Land animals by legs:

0: Probably a snake.
1: Not a snake.
2: You/Monkey.
3: Uh…
4: Varies, probably safe-ish.


Day 65: My dog still insists on acting happy to see people despite my example and training


when you’re the new kid at school and you accidentally sit down at the “cool kids” table


It’s 2015. I can’t believe we’re still referring to a dress as colored.


My landlord told me he needed to talk to me about how high my heating bill is. I was like, come on over, my door’s always open.


Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”

*Explains in great detail on how it works*

“So do I need a computer for it?”

“I JUST…how’s your cat?”


That show “Catfish” should just be called “People Who Have Never Heard of Google.”


A couple of weeks ago I replaced my work computer with an aquarium. If anyone asks, I say it’s my screensaver.