Everybody at the party got upset when Baby Jesus turned the wine into breast milk.
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In Scotland we don’t like our revenge as a dish served cold, we like it deep fried.
My wife’s leaving me for refusing to stop referring to our children as my Capri Son and Capri Daughter.
By age 35 you should have
– absolutely no idea why you came into the room
– no desire to be out past 8 pm
– an extensive collection of shopping bags and gift bags shoved into other shopping and gift bags
Is there a support group for parents whose children watched so much Bluey that it caused them to become Australian? Asking for a friend
When you smile the whole world wonders what’s wrong with you.
Not to brag on my wife but she doubled our accidental death and dismemberment insurance when I bought a chainsaw.
Why doesn’t every mistake in real life I make have a squiggly red line underneath it?
Kids be like “I didn’t know where this heavy roasting pan went so I put it on top of a structurally unsound pile of tupperware.”
“Ohhh, a knife! What are you gonna do, stab me or something?”
– Guy about to get stabbed bad
Tom & Jerry had the realest beef of all time….. nvr said a word…. it was jus on sight ..
Me: I might get to sleep in tomorrow!
Kid: Hold my sippy cup…
Onion rings
Me: “Hello?”
You know what really makes me smile?
Fascial muscles.
[caught getting last piece of pie out of fridge]
And I would have gotten away with it too, if it wasn’t for that meddling open door beep!
Boy: call me daddy 😉
Me:
I walked briskly to the nearest safe haven as I was being chased by the hood on my jacket.
Parents: lying is bad
Also parents: if the ticket guy asks, you’re still 11
Bears spend a bunch of time getting fat, sleep for a few months and then wake up skinny. Being a human is terrible.
Son: Daddy are we poor?
Me: *scraping his macaroni art into stove pan* Did your mother tell you that?
Doctor: are you sexually active?
Me: why, what have you heard?
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
MAN: [after being mauled by a bear] oh it’s just a scratch
MAN: [with a cold] omg i can’t breathe i think i’m dying
Unfortunately, my fear of moving stairs is escalating.
Somewhere a guitarist sets down his instrument, pours gas on it, & lights it ablaze while Miley Cyrus naked on a wrecking ball shoots to #1.
I personally endorse our president going to war with North Korea. Not our military of course, just the president.
*Arrives at the barbers*
“I’d like some highlights please”
*Barber puts on video of old haircuts*
[seeing a skyscraper with all the lights on]
oh man the dad of that building is gonna be mad
Avoid being invited back to a party by showing up with a 25-gallon jug of lube and a box of rubber gloves.
How much for the Ice Cream Scoop?
Ma’am, that’s a Shovel.