“Everybody cut foot loose” – Russian version of Saw
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Teenage Mutant Ninja Wordle
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“I have a pleasure room, would you like to see it?”
Him: “…That’s a refrigerator”
I doubt God made us in his image, because Snooki.
Everytime someone says that token sentence “let me know if I can do anything for you” praying you don’t ask, ask for a mortgage payment.
[gets exhausted after having sex for five minutes] “Go on without me”
Stay friends with gravity while you can, kids, because one day it will turn on you and make your face look like it’s eating itself.
Me: I used to use baby oil so I’d fry faster in the sun, then of course the eventual peel and tan that followed
Satan: I honestly don’t know where you belong. You’re very insane.
While a group of crows is a murder, a single crow is plea bargained down to aggravated assault.
Just beat Eminem 4000 straight times at musical chairs by playing “The Real Slim Shady” over and over.
I’m glad school taught me the Pythagorean theorem instead of how to do my taxes. It came in really handy this Pythagorean theorem season. 🇺🇸
sex so good you start seeing dead people..
oh wait, I’m in a morgue, scratch that
What did one elevator say to another?
Am gonna level with you
Quick question guys. Why is my therapist putting on boxing gloves?
Worst ways to die
1. Burned alive
2. Suffocate
3. Die from frustration teaching your child to blow their nose
(Musicians.)
Are any of my friends mechanics? Been having a weird car trouble when driving into work; my car just drives past my workplace and drives straight to the beach instead.
Him: It’s over. You’re too immature.
Me: [with 2 Pringles in my mouth pretending I’m a duck] Quack?
Is Miley Cyrus pregnant? Will The government stay shut down? Will the GTA online servers work? Find out on the next episode of Dragon Ball Z
I said goodbye to everyone at a party and then mistakenly walked into a closet and was too embarrassed to walk back out so I live here now.
What do you call a Magician without any magic?
Ian.
I hate everything
My DNA results came back and apparently I’m .0002% aardvark. Which pretty much answers all the questions I’ve ever had. About anything.
FINALLY A BEAUTIFUL DAY THAT ISN’T 100 DEGREES OR POURING RAIN
[frogs start falling from sky]
My wife and I have agreed on a trial separation.
The kids aren’t to keen, but my wife and I just don’t want them anymore.
We have two 5 month old kittens and they went outside for the first time today. They stepped out, looked around, saw our neighbour then ran back in and hid under the table and I think I may have birthed them
I just had a raccoon knocking on my bedroom window like a boyfriend trying to get in when your parents fall asleep.
I can’t believe the pharmacy hasn’t called!
“Oh they did..3 or 4 days ago..I forgot to tell you. What’s it’s for anyway?”
Anxiety.
I’ll take a Friday the 13th over a Monday the 13th every single time.
Why would America make the bald eagle its national bird when all they do is attack things and fly away and nevermind I think I get it now.
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here