“Everybody Dance Now” – C & C Music Factory
“20 sided Dice now” – D & D Music Factory#LunchPun #RateMyPun
You Might Also Like
Newton taught us that a body at rest will remain at rest, a body in motion will remain in motion, and that figs taste good in cookies
*gets ‘knîf’ and ‘fork’ tattooed on my knuckles so I remember which hands to use when dining with the queen*
Be kind to strangers. One of them could end up being your coroner.
Me: *rolling up a dollar bill for my coke*
Date: holy shit you can’t do that in here
Me: but I can’t drink it without a straw
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
Daddy, where do bananas come from?
Well son, when a manana and a womanana really love each other…
I’m too immature to use a recipe that calls for cumin.
Enrique:I can be your hero baby
Me:I’m good
E:I can kiss away your pain
Me:Nah
E:You can take my breath away
Me: *smothers him with pillow
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
My identical twin is insufferable. He manages to look ten years younger than me due to a superior moisturising regimen. He’s really rubbing it in.
I don’t understand parents who have trouble saying no to their kids.
It’s literally my first instinct.
YOU’VE GOTTA BE SHITTING ME, CAROL.
*grabs face*
*whispers*
You’re goddamn right I have a few minutes to hear about your new pedometer.
Macklemore was pretty far ahead of me in terms of self-awareness. When I was in the third grade I literally thought I might be a thundercat.
This is one heck of a thing to drop on me at 3:30 AM, Google.
subway is the only chain that realizes the ideal bread texture is soft/wet, like it’s been breathed on a lot by a dog
“Found” a nest of ground bees
and got stung multiple times.But I was able to remove all the stingers.
So yes, my pullout game is strong.
24 astronauts were born in Ohio. What is about your state that makes people want to flee the Earth?
See..?
.
Nothing’s labeled clearly, I was promised tea & never got any, the criminal justice system is barbaric.
~ Alice’s Yelp review of Wonderland
Crunching numbers would be a lot more fun if they made little potato chip sounds after each equation.
Not sure why I am thinking tonight about our elderly neighbor when I was 7, who had giant bountiful pear trees on his property. One day he stopped by unexpectedly with a bushel of pears, and after my mom, surprised and delighted, had thanked him, he handed her a bill for them.
Maybe your grandma covered her furniture in plastic because she was a murderer. You don’t know for sure.
There is really no good way to work “garçon” into dirty talk and yet that hasn’t stopped me from trying.
I never see my neighbors. Unless I’m walking through the kitchen pulling my bra through my sleeve, glance out the window, and then it’s all like heyyyy
[food naming committee]
… Ok. Cow?
– Beef
Ground up?
– Burger
Great. Pig?
– Pork
Baked & sliced?
– Ham
Super! Deer?
– Venison
Fish?
– Fish
*holds up 2 ties*
which one, I have a big meeting today
“both are nice”
[wife calls later]
“how’d it go”
well, wearing 2 ties was a disaster
My wife just texted to tell me that she killed a spider all by herself, get my union rep on the phone, stat.
My girlfriend told me I was getting sex today. Oops. I better not jinx it.
*knocks on morning wood*
elbows are not enough. we need a pasta for each and every body part
1 in 5 mammals is a bat. Re-examine everything you think you know about your “loved ones.”