everybody gangster til u put a spider in their plastic easter egg
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for the 7th year in a row, Rick Astley refuses to give his wife her favorite Pixar movie for Christmas
Does anyone remember the song by Sade about the guy who operated the smoothie machine?
My wife is constantly accusing me of being racist.I dont care what she says,Im black,shes black,it should concern me that our baby is white
A friend of mine is thankful she won a position on the PTA board and now we can’t be friends.
“Kids! Come say goodbye to your father!”
-Me, when my husband has a cold.
If you want to set up a company and run it then that’s your business.
I had two mice from the local church at my door last night.
They wanted to talk to me about cheeses
As a project I’ve started making my own coffin. Should I be concerned that my wife keeps asking how soon I can have it ready?
[at Home Depot]
Cashier: That’ll be $25
Me: Here’s a gift card that should have some money on it
Cashier: *scans card* That’ll be $24.84
[Super Villain Team Tryouts]
COACH: Tell me what you can do
MAGNETO: I can manipulate metal
LOKI: I’m a god
THE PENGUIN (shoving his way to the front): I LIKE PENGUINS!
I love the difference between dog and cat rescue stories. dog owners will be like oh I prepped for months and applied and had a home check then did a foster to adopt trial period and then the rescue chose me! and cat owners are like .. I found him in the trash
we have ways of making you talk mr bond
[introduces dave]
this is dave, he’s a vegan
“OK ENOUGH”
Me: I’m exhausted.
My mom: You look exhausted.
Me: How DARE you.
Alcohol is the leading cause of me getting yelled at for being a pterodactyl on the coffee table.
The chinese translation for penguin is business goose.
if you knew me before my 20s, you never actually knew me. you knew season 1 me. we were severely underfunded and the writing team was going through a lot.
Me: GUESS WHO BOUGHT A MEGAPHONE?
Neighbour: Get out of my house!
Me: You’re not even guessing.
Tractor: ‘Let’s get to work.’
Detractor: ‘Let’s not get carried away.’
Always a massive red flag than when a guy lists “The Art of War” as one of his favorite books. It’s like, you’re an accountant, Brent, you’re not Tyrion Lannister
Seduce Angela Merkel by fondling the hem of her cardigan while whispering “Aren’t you too pretty to be a Chancellor?”
why does my dog sprint after he poops like he’s fleeing the scene of a crime
If you’re using public transport never give up your seat to an old lady…
That’s how I lost my job as a bus driver.
Don’t mess with me. I will pull on one of your hoodie strings to make them uneven.
Haha is there a Mr-demeanor?
*Judge bangs his gavel*
“ORDER!”
So’s there an ordHIM?!
“Oh for the lov- GUILTY!”
…
Does this Guilt have a sist
When I was growing up, “Deadpool” was just what we called our neighbors’ hot tub after he mysteriously drowned in it.
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
[Guy on the Death Star who’s really sick of hearing Vader’s breathing but is too scared to say anything]: I’m going to put on some music
When they tell you the salad is your whole dinner and not just a side
I have gray hair where I didn’t even know I had hair
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?