everybody has a drawer in their home that contains both garbage and the most important documents a human can have
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Parents don’t have “favorites.” We dislike all of our children equally.
Apparently my kid got in trouble today for PACKING OUR TOASTER IN HIS BACKPACK and pulling it out at lunch to make pop tarts for his class. I can’t stop laughing.
Just opened the freezer and the vodka literally rolled out into my hands, no way I could ignore this sign from god.
I enjoy the outdoors when it stays outdoors.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
[wife enters as I’m doing the worm] Wife: WTH are you doing? Me: It’s not what it looks like. Worm: Who the hell is she?!
We’ve designed you a new phone 007.
It’s exactly the same as your old phone but you’ll need to buy a new charger.
Waldo has a tough time at the gym because no one spots him
A recent medical study shows that women who carry a little extra weight generally live longer than the men in their lives who mention it.
Everything about parenting is as unexpected and surprising as finding a dirty fork in the shower.
But, please, why is there a fork in the shower?
When your wife asks if men think about sex every 7 seconds the correct answer is “I think of you all the time dear” & not “Sex with who?”.
My 12-year-old daughter has been watching Hallmark movies all day and eyeing me with increasing disdain
My dog licked the crumbs out of my computer keyboard & earned an online college degree.
I need better friends
If Canada takes over the world we’re all going to be sorry.
If that’s what meditation is doing for you, WOW! Mostly, I just get itchy.
When they said “it takes a village” I thought they were referring to raising a child not keeping up with laundry.
outrunning all the dogs at the park and bringing the tennis ball back in my mouth
The Phantom of the Opera paints a false picture that chicks dig dudes that play a mean pipe organ
End of date
Me: I’ve been waiting for this moment all night
Him: *closes eyes and leans in for a kiss
Me: *honks horn as I speed away *
My 5yo, asserting his independence on the last day of school by coming downstairs dressed in fleece pants on a 90 degree day. I’m sweating just looking at him.
“Have you accepted Jesus Christ as your Lord & Savior?”
“No.”
“Why not, sir?”
“Because, it would make my rabbi sad.”
I just dropped my pen on the public restroom floor.
I’ll miss that pen.
The UPS guy never wants to wrestle so I’m thinking about trying FedEx.
Curiosity is on #Mars. Sure went a long way after killing the cat.
i have no electricity today bc of the snowstorm so i was forced to talk to my husband and son they seem nice.
hey parents who say “someday your kids won’t want to be around you”
… when can I look forward to that starting?
Just when you think that food cannot possibly call you on your phone, BOOM…
The Onion rings. I’m sorry 😂😂😂😂
Announcer: In one corner, her will to live. In the other corner, her sanity. Let’s get ready to crumblllllllle
The secret to good barbecued chicken is to marinate them in the sauce for 3 days prior to grilling. The hard part is getting them to sit still.