Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

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Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.


I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.


Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.


4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!


4: Unless I had ketchup.


hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER


Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.


A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.


Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.


When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?