@MoistPork

Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.

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@WilliamAder

Thankful that Five-Fingered Shoes company doesn’t make pants.

@WonderMonkey78

I love it when all my iPhone apps tremble in fear when I’m about to delete one of them. Makes me feel like God.

@ShootyDoody

Stop calling women wild and fierce, unless they’ve bitten someone.

@XplodingUnicorn

4-year-old: Are hot dogs made from real dogs?

Me: Would you eat them if they were?

4: No!

Me:

4: Unless I had ketchup.

@jonnysun

hmmm public speakimg clases..? well do u hav private speakimg clases? bc i hav a secret *leans in close to u* I NEVER LEARNED HOW TO WHISPER

@RexHuppke

Next on Fox News, men on women’s issues, white men on black issues, rich men discuss the poor and straight men talk about gays.

@BlairLoudly

A xenophobe eh? I’m scared of the warrior princess too but I wouldn’t call it a phobia.

@Reverend_Scott

Quotes to calm an angry woman:

1. Stress makes you fat.

2. My ex never acted like that.

3. I love you, even if you’re just like your mom.

@SavageDabs69

When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?