Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

I just took my neighbor’s home security sign and put it in my yard, because the theft on my street is getting out of hand.

Phones can’t detect my thumbprint. My career as a cat burglar is about to take off.

I think it’s adorable when kids lose their teeth, they look like tiny meth addicts.

“Let the bodies hit the floor, let the bodies hit the floor”- John joyfully sings as he walks off with the ‘Caution: wet floor’ sign

Am I supposed to present a monologue play while I use this toilet? Wtf is it on a stage for.

Finally watched Pulp Fiction with my kid, but fast forwarded thru the parts she’s not ready for… best 27 seconds we’ve spent together recently.

Skating rink, hockey rink, curling rink… Who decided “rink” could only mean an ice arena?? “Hey, I’m heading down to the hairdressing rink then swinging by the cheese rink after, see ya”

I saw a diaper ad that said 25-30lbs but I honestly don’t think my kid can poop that much

Whipped cream is just shaving cream that does whatever it’s girlfriend tells it to do.

Spotted in New Orleans.

Whenever my bitchy Ex used to whine about something, I reminded her that time heals all wounds…

Then I threw clock at her face.

Cinderella is my favorite story about choosing a spouse based on shoe size.

KID: I drew you a picture!
ME: What’s this?
KID: Our house.
ME: What’s the orange stuff?
KID: Fire.
ME: Why’s the house on fire?
KID: I want a PS4.

Who are you going to trust, some real doctor who says it’s impossible to make you a centaur, or me, the guy with a hacksaw and half a horse?

“Is there a genius in the house?! It’s an emergency!”
*I start to get up from table*
*wife discretely stops me*
*I silently agree with wife*

Let’s make “door pants” a thing. Those pants you leave by your front door so when delivery people knock on your door you have easy access.

That’s a good costume, I hope.

Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.

Im tired of being politically correct. If I want to wish someone a Happy Honda Days, I’m gonna do it. I don’t care what they drive, that’s their problem

the ghost that shares the upstairs bathroom with us would like a word

Preacher: tell me your favourite verses son

Me: I dunno probably street fighter

[On a date and we pull into the restaurant parking lot]
“I’ll just wait in the car.”

I don’t friend zone people I relationship zone them. You want to be my friend? Too bad, we’re dating.

I’m sorry this birthday cake suffered a severe accident where my hand fell into it and a chunk of it filled my mouth.

Apparently trying to edit the family cookbook to include ‘minced feelings’ at the end of every recipe’s ingredients list is “not okay” and I need to “seriously cut it out”.

[spelling bee]

Your word is ‘sarcasm’

“Can you use it in a sentence?”

Ooooo I would love to

[my kid while eating a hard boiled egg]
mommy, what flavor is the yellow part?

Me: I want to buy this chicken
Farmer: Ok. Gonna take him home and eat him?
*imagines self fighting crime with new chicken buddy*
Me: Yes

[bar]

CUSTOMER: Barman

BARMAN: Sir?

C: This beer tastes like piss

[further down the bar]

BEAR GRYLLS: I’ll have what he’s having

A family of crows flying into a windmill is a murder suicide