Everybody has a method to their twitter madness. Don’t critique mine, and I won’t critique yours. If you don’t like how I do it, unfollow.
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Son: You act like the dog is better than me.
Me: Sit
*dog sits immediately*
*son hesitates and then sits*Me: I rest my case
Places to learn how to chug your drink:
1. College frat
2. Airport security line
The Little Mermaid is a bullshit title. She was a regular sized mermaid.
If a woman is in Lowe’s buying a plunger, she doesn’t want to be hit on. She’s dealing with enough shit already.
KID: Why’s the sky blue
DAD: It’s sad
MOM: Light refraction
DAD: …
MOM: …
DAD: (*mumbling*) light refraction
You say tomato, I say summertime snowball.
I finished my iced coffee even though all of the ice had melted, so I’m really crushing my water intake today
I try to find the good in every situation. Wait. That was a typo. I meant “food.” I try to find the food in every situation.
Can I buy you a drink?
“I don’t drink.”
*panics* Oh. Um…well, here’s $12.
“I Didn’t Want This But I Ate it Anyway to Keep Myself from Eating the Worse Thing and Then I Ate That Too”, an autobiography.