Everybody is tweeting “OMG I CANT BELIEVE ITS MARCH”, I’m like tf’ you you think came after February ? February Jr.?
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Sneak into the employee bathroom at Target and make some violent alien noises, maybe leave a jellyfish in the toilet
We have a big clock on the wall of our living room and now my toddler, who can’t say her L’s very well, loves pointing out other “big clocks” everywhere we go
cat owners be like don’t worry he only scratches if you pet him or feed him or call him or touch him or make noise or walk past him or
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Hey girl, I heard you like bad boys?
*starts jigsaw puzzle from middle instead of edges*
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
My plant is drunk, it’s growing in the wrong direction.
4: Mommy hear me count to 10,000
Me:
Pee after storming area 51 or else youll get a ufo
[Sahara desert]
Me: *shares canteen*
Companion: *holds it to his mouth but nothing comes out*
Me: it’s ketchup, you have to wait a bit.
Me: *rehearsing alibi speech in front of mirror
Cops: {laughing from other side of two way mirror} Is this the dumbest criminal ever?
spinach is nowhere near as delicious as Popeye led us to believe
Don’t text me that you’re gonna kick my ass, that lacks passion. Key it on the side of my truck.
Wouldn’t recommend it, but I’d admire you.
If you put a hot dog in a blender and serve it with whipped cream people don’t ask to come over anymore
*someone at next table says “BFFs”*
ME (peering over back of booth): BFsF.
3yo: *follows me into bathroom*
Me: “Privacy, please”
3yo: “Oh, right” *closes door*
“Now we have privacy, Mommy”
It’s exciting to receive a Valentine’s Day card and not know who it’s from. A Father’s Day card, not so much.
*surgeon opens cooler during transplant*
*cooler is full of Gatorade*
“Wait but this means…”
*cut to surgeon’s kids dumping kidney on coach*
72% of dog ownership is asking “what’s in your mouth” and expecting a response
Ebola has been in the US for 1 day and people are already wearing masks. AIDS has been here for 55 years and fools still don’t use a condom
*wife walks in*
*sees cheese balls everywhere*
*shakes head*“what? 8 won’t get better at catching food in his mouth if we don’t practice”
* 9 comes in from playing outside*
Me: Wow, your hair is a mess.
9: Ha, not messier than my room.
Me: What?
9: What?
Me: I like to look on the bright side. It’s a beautiful sunny day, I was getting tired of that room, I always enjoy seeing professionals at work and I finally tried a cigarette only to confirm my belief I wouldn’t care for them. Nice to know! Well, please continue.
Firing Squad:
If someone sends you a link marked ‘Madonna Singing Naked in the Bathtub’ don’t open it.
It’s Madonna singing naked in a bathtub.
WAITER: would you like to try the chef’s special, tender snow crab?
ME [getting defensive]: maybe but there’s no reason for name calling
As an introvert, having a special place in hell reserved just for me sounds rather nice.
Outside: Massive bolts of lightning. Deafening roars of thunder. Buckets of rain pouring from the heavens as the lights flicker.
Alexa: A thunderstorm warning has been issued-
Me: NO SHIT ALEXA
Toothpick use time frames:
30 seconds – It was free at the restaurant and you just wanted to suck the mint flavoring off it
60 seconds – Actually has something stuck in teeth
90 seconds – Things are getting weird
120 seconds – Sexual predator
Serial killers who work with a partner are called killaborators.
Baristas, stop paintin’ pictures in my damn latte. I’m gonna drink that shit not frame it.