Everybody just wants to get off…
….This elevator because that guy stinks
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“evreytime god closes a door, he opens a window” – me, tryimg to convince my clients their house isnt haunted
Me: I’ve decided to be a mermaid so I can sing and swim all day and have a coconut phone
Him: But, you hate coconut?
Me. Why the hell would I eat my coconut phone? Ugh. It’s like you don’t even understand reality.
I thought I had a Twitter Crush but his wife thought otherwise
Actually, I thought 50 Shades Of Grey was about Taco Bell meat.
I put an ad in Craigslist for a muscular blonde with strong arms, excessive body hair and a thick British accent so I’m dating Madonna now.
a bird blows up trying to match princess fiona’s vocal range and then fiona eats the bird’s eggs for breakfast. shrek was wild.
I thought this house was haunted by a ghost but it turned out it was Bruce Willis the whole time. Also, I broke into Bruce Willis’ house.
A great way to end small talk is by saying “you’re not real, you’re not real.”
For this Halloween I’ve trained my eyebrows to leap off my face & destroy those who’ve angered me.
[sending smoke signals]
*your*
*house*
*is*
*on*
*fire*
Today’s affirmation:
I am open to recieving pizza. I deserve a life that is abundant in pizza. I surround myself with people who have pizza. Pizza.
SOON I WILL DESTROY ALL OF YOUR HEROES AND TAKE MY PLACE AS YOUR WORLD LEADER BUT FIRST WHAT IS YOUR MOM’S CASSEROLE RECIPE IT IS DELIGHTFUL
We have completed this week’s homework and can sum the whole experience up by saying that I’d have preferred to have done a week’s worth of washing instead. Twice.
[on date]
HER: I once broke up with a guy for saying “I could care less”
ME: Haha that idiot [nervous] of course it’s “I could care fewer”
My autocorrect changed “graphic designer” to “groaning designer.” For once, it’s not wrong.
Captain: I’m really nervous about giving this speech.
Sun, rubbing his shoulders: Don’t worry, big guy. You got this.
WAITER: soup or salad?
CLARK KENT: *sweating nervously* just a REGULAR salad for a REGULAR guy please ha ha. nothing super about it…
turn-ons:
• eye contact
• people who pay attention to me
• people who know how to push my buttons
• oh god im a television
• how did this h―
Tripped over the roomba, so I’m getting my revenge by pouring glitter everywhere.
*cocks shotgun*
Goodnight Moon
Not much is worse than that feeling of going back to work after a lunch…or a vacation…or just going to work in general
“You’re attachment is too large,” my computer tells me.
I blush. “My eyes are up here,” I respond coyly.
Me: you got your gaming license with you?
Husband: relax…it’s MARIOKART, NOT duck hunt
6-year-old: *shows off her new fancy pen*
Me: That’s so nice. Who gave you that?
6: My boyfriend.
Me: Give it back.
95% of pet ownership is just saying “hello” to them in various tones.
ME: You go thru space & time, just traveling alone?
DOCTOR WHO: Usually w/a companion
ME: Folks from space-time?
DW: God no 21st century UK
I heard that no real accountants were consulted during the filming of the new movie The Accountant. They want the movie to be entertaining.
nobody warns you of the devastation two days of stuffing will bring upon your digestive system
Me: Let’s consult the Magic Eight-ball
Eight-ball: STEAL A CAR.