Everybody looks down on Pinterest until they need a good recipe for homemade organic edible panties.
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Friend: Would you ever get a tattoo?
Me: Never
Him: You’re afraid to make a permanent mistake.
Me: *looks at my 4 kids* Way ahead of you.
Why do they even bother calling him 007, when the first thing he does is introduce himself using his REAL NAME?
If you go to Hell for laughing during prayer, my family will burn for eternity.
ME: Sorry I’m late, I had computer problems.
BOSS: Hard drive?
ME: Nah, there was no traffic, just the computer problems.
My dog chewed up my favorite pillow so as punishment I asked the mailman to piss in our yard and made my dog watch helplessly through the window
not me looking down to google “why is my dog staring at me” only to look back up and see my dog barfing on the carpet 😑😑😑😑😑
people should stop trying to drive the biggest cars and start trying to drive the goofiest shaped cars. i want to drive a car in the shape of a pizza slice
America: We are free from the British, what should we do first?
Someone in the back of the crowd: Let’s change our spelling
I’m worried my new haircut makes me look like a serial killer, which could really cramp my ability to do as much serial killing.
[meteor hitting earth]
Dinosaur: oh no the economy !!
I’ve put the garden waste wheelie bin out. I’ve no idea if it’s getting collected today but everyone else in the street has now done the same just in case.
My toddler is throwing a tantrum because I changed the pictures in my bathroom…a year ago
Your superhero name is your credit card number, those 3 digits on the back of your card & the expiration date. Comment below so we can all enjoy.
If I don’t stick to my diet, people are going to start calling me the last chairbender.
Son: Dad, can you help me with my math homework?
Me: *googles ‘math’*
I’m laughing way harder than I should for this image.
Due to inflation, the high five has dropped to a mere middle finger
I’m trying to like people but boy oh boy do they make it hard.
*comes home from poker night earlier than usual looks at wife while picking up the dog and leaves without saying anything*
My axe boyfriend was a lumberjack.
I’m sorry.
Y’all are gonna be sorry when I figure out how to breed spiders and bees and my army of “spees” is stingin’ and bitin’ you and shit
is it considered a threesome if i jack off with both hands?
Hey did you guys hear me do that pushup?
At least my masseuse has my back.
“I’m more night hamster than owl,” I say, pushing another wad of food into my cheek pouch at 2:00am.
🤣🤣
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
Why does George Zimmerman keep popping up every 6 months or so? Is he the McRib?
If people aren’t honking at you to go on the green light, you aren’t doing social media right.
Looking to hire someone who can photo edit my ex out of all of my vacation photos and replace him with a potato