Everybody loves a foam finger. Unless you’re sitting behind a very energetic child wearing one at a ballgame.
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why is Charmin trying to get us comfortable with bears? HELLO THEY EAT PEOPLE
Sorry I haven’t tweeted in a couple of days. My kid followed me from room to room making really obnoxious whale noises and I feel like I’ve gotten a taste of my own medicine
Act now and we will double your order of crap!
Infomercials
Dog sitting my sister’s terrier:
How much do we feed her?
-It’s cool just leave her food out.Our lab:
YEAH JUST LEAVE HER FOOD OUT!
[Space]
No one: I can hear screaming
10: Mom.
Me: What!! It’s late.
10: Beds are basically wireless chargers for humans.
I’ve been sleeping w my laundry for like 4 days
We are dating
Robert is an ass man
Robert goes to the club
Robert sees a curvy girl
Robert comes up behind her
Robert Palmer
A movie where two people finally kiss and all their friends cheer in the background because just behind the kissing people two swans are fighting brutally
[Tim Burton tries baseball]
COACH [rubs eyes]Got it now
T: Yes
C: Ok. Pitch
T: A dark haunted tale starring Johnny De-
C: I’m gonna kill him
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
if someone had told me corporate was coming today, I would have waxed my mustache
Let me show you what this mouth can do..
[eats a cheeseburger]
Been getting better gas mileage since I decided to turn off my car when I’m crying alone in parking lots.
Juliet: Wherefore art thou, Romeo-
Romeo: Cool fact: wherefore means why
Juliet: Well-
Romeo: So you’re asking why I am
Juliet:
Romeo [hand on her shoulder]: it’s because my dad banged my mom
if you’re not sniffing random panties at the laundromat then why are you even there
[me at 22]
in a hurry, better run up this flight of stairs[me at 32]
i threw out my back because the toaster startled me
Me: Do you like being right-handed?
Hubby: Umm, sure… why?
Me: Take another one of my fries again and see…
Good luck to all of the parents whose kids will be eating their Easter candy and won’t be going to bed until Tuesday night.
a house without a chimney should be called a nouse
Who wants an omelet?
(3 minutes later)
Who wants scrambled?
I am a:
⚪️ man
⚪️ woman
🔘 gooseLooking for:
⚪️ men
⚪️ women
🔘 bread
This has got to be the Twitter exchange of the day.
Me: What’s an easy oatmeal cookie recipe?
Every recipe website: While I was technically born in Ohio in 1983, my soul was born last summer in rural Tuscany…
Her: I bet you forgot it.
Him: I have a photographic memory.
[shakes violently]Her: ?
Him: Sorry, it’s a Polaroid. Is it Becky?
Her: NO
Do let me know if you’re ever unhappy with any of my Tweets. I will block you immediately. Anything to stop you being sad. You’re welcome 🙂
screw it let’s just name every sports team after colored socks
Marvin stared at the painting of his great grandfather, who had survived two wars, worked three jobs to support his fourteen children, and eventually died saving a box full of kittens from a fire, and thought to himself, “You know, if I knocked that over, I could sleep on it.”
what if linguini from ratatouille was having sex and the girl pulled his hair and he started cooking spaghetti
Cop: *into walkie talkie* we have a wreck on highway 15
Me: look I know I’m a wreck
Cop: you’ve been wearing those sweatpants for 4 days
me:
cop: also you hit 26 cars