Everybody makes fun of your big purse until you pull out a cheesecake
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Paris Hilton is worried ISIS will target her because she’s famous. Paris Hilton doesn’t realize that ISIS didn’t exist in 2004.
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Speak now or ever hold your peace
I will judge you by how much dust is on your ceiling fan
Don’t be part of the problem, be the whole problem
saw this yesterday and it’s lived in my head rent free ever since, just perfection
[Duck support group]
“After i lost Barbara I was doing bread 5, maybe 6 times a day”
*the other ducks nod sympathetically*
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
The Backseat Boys
Him: can we just go back to how it used to be?
Her: awww. Like the day we met?
Him: No, before that.
Girl: My dog bit my boyfriend.
Me: Your dog is a good judge of character.
Bear boss: I need to see you two in my office right away.
*I see my coworker is nervous*
Me: Relax, how bad can it be.
Salmon: Shut. Up.
I have standards. They might be low, but still…..
{phone call}
MRS. TURTLE: Hello?
MR. TURTLE: Hi honey. I’ll be home in 2 hours
MRS. TURTLE: Ok, call me when you’re close
MR. TURTLE: I’m like 10 ft away
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Turn off autocorrect?
Challinje aceptid.
Sat through a horrible job interview for an hour then the guy was like “btw, this only pays 30k so if you’re looking for a job that pays better, look elsewhere” so I said “ok I will” then he was like “?? wait no” lmao this was hours ago and I still feel incredible
To All The Boys I’ve Loved Before They Decided I’m A “Good Friend”
*returning snake to the pet store* my hamsters won’t come out of this tunnel
All I’m saying is if the toilet still flushes when the power and gas goes out, why don’t we run more things on toilet power?
Spiders have the whole world to explore but still try to come up in my house
[first date with a skeleton]
ME: So um… have you always been a skeleton?
HER: No, in high school I was a-
ME: Wait, no-
HER: Skeleteen.
Calling me at 2 am for sex is disgusting, where are your morals??where is your self respect?? What is your address?? where are we meeting?? where do I park my car??
I have seen lots of recipes for things to make from leftover chocolate from Easter this week. Which leads me to the question: what is leftover chocolate?
For Halloween my husband asked me to dress up as a nurse, cause that’s one of his fantasies: That we have health care.
This will be our daughter’s first year trick or treating and the goal is to get her to collect all the candy for us and then immediately forget it exists
11yo: why are you doing dishes with your jeans undone?
me: no sweetie. It’s; YAY MOMMY! YOU GOT THOSE JEANS ON!
One of the kids just asked for family game night like we weren’t already fed up with each other enough as it is