Everybody makes mistakes their first camping trip. For starters, going camping.
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Arrogant Co-Worker: Do you have any idea how many years of education I have?
Me: Don’t feel bad, I got held back a couple of times myself.
[Commercial for Legos]
Have you ever cursed in front of your kids? Want to?
My kids’ hamster escaped and I found her hiding from them in the closet so I just left her in there because honestly I get it… I get it.
*seductively uses appropriate punctuation*
parents nowadays: video games are too violent
parents from history times: c’mon kids, let’s go down to the colosseum to watch a murder!
It’s ironic that someone would take their last 5 seconds of life to call me middle aged.
All goalies should wear gorilla suits in the playoffs
FBI: If you testify you’ll have to go into the Witness Protection Program
ME: I’ll do it
FBI: Your wife and kids too
ME: Never mind
I wanna see some BUTTS on da dance floor! ONLY butts. Detached from their owners, just kinda in a pile. In the middle. Nice. Good butt pile.
If you think one of my tweets is about you, it isn’t. Except this one.
Any dog can be a guide dog if you don’t care where you’re going
In my experience, bowling and pancakes have the same energy.
High hopes at the beginning, lowered self-esteem at the end.
Me: I’ll start work early so I can stop working earlier
Also me: *just works twice as many hours cuz I started earlier
is he actually funny or have you just not had sex in a while
Child: [eating cereal]
Me [looking at table]: WOW. Not a single piece of cereal spilled on the table?! Nice job.
Child: Thank you.
Me [taking a step]: *crunch*
Child:
Me: There it is.
Welp. Looks like I’m the only parent drinking a beer for this “Meet The New Wrestling Coach” zoom meeting.
i’m a writer the way a potato is a battery
My Dad always used to say “Into each life some rain must fall.”
Lovely man, terrible roofer.
an owl mistook my man bun for a sleeping hamster again today
Comets are just rocks that are like really really mad at you.
Ooo! The morning weather girl…
Come on baby, give daddy the five day forecast.
4 year old: Daddy do you have any bat cheese?
Me: Bat cheese?
4: Yes
Me: Bat. Cheese?
4: Yes. Bat cheese.
Me: Why are you asking for… bat cheese?
4: For my car
Me:
4:
Me: Ahhhh batteries. You need batteries!
4: Yes bat cheese! 🙄
Genuinely no idea what to expect here.
I took my hair out of the messy bun and made it a less messy bun and my husband asked if I was going somewhere.
Me: “Take me to your leader!”
60,000 bees: *Just stuffing me awkwardly into the hive*
Parenting sometimes feels like you’re an elevator. Lots of ups and downs and the kids love to push your buttons.
This guy walked up to me and said he knew me from somewhere but couldn’t place where. I asked if he’d ever worked in a liquor store and guess what you guys?
[trying not to think about Sonic The Hedgehog during sex]
Her: faster! faster!
Me: oh god no
My wife is going to the hair salon today so for the next few hours I will be practising my reaction.
The state of my house can best be described as ‘there seems to have been a struggle