An egg looks at another egg and says:
“Why are you so hairy?”
“Shut up, I’m a kiwi!”
“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
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The best part of an argument is the make up sex…unless you’re fighting with your brother.
Operator: “9-1-1 please hold…”
Me: “Ok. Hey, stop stabbing me for a second.”
[High School Reunion]
Him: I started my own Law Firm last year
Me: It took 2 months, but I convinced my wife Space Jam was a true story
[in line at store]
her: oh no I don’t have enough money
me: hey hey [touches her hand] put your wallet away
her: are you sure?
me: yeah, it’s hideous
Sensei: CHILDREN! We do not hit each other. What do we do?
Kids: *in unison* We use our swords.
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
There should be LEGO movies of everything. LEGO Die Hard. LEGO John Wick. Hell I’d even watch LEGO 50 Shades of Grey.
Doctor: you look awful
Me: *covered in blood* you should see the other guy!
Other guy: *enters, looks fine* still talkin shit?
“Babe I wanna ask you something”
*gets down on one knee*
“When The Little Mermaid became human, how’d she know to use a toilet?”