“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

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Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.


Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.


Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house


They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.


I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard


FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years


Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.


If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.


I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.