“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber
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me: oh god, look what the cat dragged in
wife: is it a bird?
me: yeah
mangled superman:
some dogs can find bodies that have been buried for years & mine can’t even find a cracker that hit him in the face on the way to the floor
Boss: “We are all going to have a bunch of Red Bull, bust out the chest of Adderall, be laser focused for about 4 hours, then die.”
Despite what they tell you, my kids love playing the games I make up, like “where did mommy put her keys this time” and “who can spot mommy’s cell phone”
You know how when a car in front of you is going to parallel park but they waive you by first as if to say “I’m gonna mess this up and I don’t need any witnesses”?
I wish I could do that for my life in general.
[nabisco hq]
“Wheat Thins sales are down we need ideas”
*raises hand*
“anyone else?”
…
…
“ok Dan, but I swear to god if u say-”
Wheat Thicks
Me: We’ve eaten nonstop for four straight days.
Wife: I know. It’s awful.
Me: So… we can either eat AGAIN— or we could go into the other room and burn a few calories…
Wife: I’ll preheat the oven.
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
Mom, you really should have taken the time to fix your hair this morning.
-my son, asking to be taken out of the will
[First day at the fortune cookie factory]
Me: Boss, I got this order for 10k cookies boxed and ready to go.
Boss: That’s Incredible, it’s normally a week long job!
Me: Yeah, I worked real hard because you left me all these inspirational little notes.
[My Last day at the factory]
Being a Jedi isn’t all bad.
I’ve been sitting around in my bathrobe for decades.
me: who’s a good boy?!?! you are!! the best boy!! such a good boy!!
My boyfriend handing me my takeout: can you stop doing this
I have to get Rosetta stoned to figure out what my pothead sister is texting me.
H: I feel like you are ignoring me
M: trust your feelings
You see two puppies.
“Awwwww!”
But they’re cannibal puppies!
“Ahhhhhhh!”
One puppy eats the other!
“Ewwwww!”
Then he takes a nap.
“Awwwww!”
You have to love a boss with a sense of humor. Mine just sent me a 7am meeting notice on Outlook and I’ve never laughed so hard…
Me: *from downstairs* what’s it called when a word describes the sound something makes?
Her: it’s onomatopoeia.
Me: on what mat up there?
me: ah finally a night when i can go to sleep early and rest up
my upstairs neighbor: it is time to learn how to play the upright bass
What idiot called it a picnic and not a blanquet?
Friend: excited for your date?
Me: no I just found out what we do at the end
Friend: kiss?
Me: *thinking about tipping* math
*works out for six weeks
*loses 2 lbs
*eats a carrot
*gains it back
having a teenager is fun because food that was in the kitchen when I went to bed is no longer there when I wake up.
My doctor says I shouldn’t brush my teeth. I guess that’s why he’s not a dentist
You guys have made me afraid to pick up my son’s socks
I’ve been putting my sunglasses on and walking away from things in slow motion all day, nothing has exploded yet.
Parenting is cool because:
-it’s the hardest thing you’ve ever done
-the stakes are the highest they’ve ever been
-no one can tell you how to do it
-you have to make a million choices every day
-there’s no way to ever know if any of them were correct
-socks just constantly vanish
[My first day as a garbageman]
Text from wife: You forgot to take out the trash.
Me: Goddammit
titanic just goes to show what can go wrong if you paint someone else’s fiancee