@VaguelyFunnyDan

“Everybody move!” – Shitty bank robber

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@mzeld

Just accidentally deleted all my contacts. Best day ever.

@kelkulus

Female praying mantises bite the heads off males while mating, so if your mantis boyfriend shows up without a head, he was cheating on you.

@dragnut

Travel Tips
1. Pack light
2. Dress comfortably
3. Bring a book
4. Anything can happen
5. You’ll probably get killed
6. Don’t leave the house

@kelkulus

They say don’t dress for the job you have, but for the job you want. Still, I think I look pretty stupid waiting tables in a spacesuit.

@eleniZarro

I hate when you get all excited bc someone says they had a dream about you and then you find out you were just there holding a clipboard

@Hadzilla

FUN PRANK: tweet “going hang gliding!!!!” then don’t tweet again for 12 years

@felixoshea

Batman walks into a Wayne Enterprise meeting and starts talking stocks. He realises he forgot to change. He drops a gas pellet and runs out.

@kelkulus

If you believe that no great story ever started with someone eating a salad, then you’re using the wrong kind of mushrooms.

@PORNOPINION

I’m tired of 19 year olds thinking they’re special for being hot. You’re 19 You’re supposed to be hot. Call me when you’re 45 and hot.