Everybody say a little prayer for my husband, he just told me to calm down.!!
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How many people in America do you think I can trick into believing that Brexit is the name of one of Sarah Palin’s kids?
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
The baby daddies on 16 & Pregnant/Teen Mom should be used to test air bags.
I’m currently boycotting any company that sells items I can’t afford.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
I, for one, like it when blackberry seeds get stuck in my teeth at breakfast. Gives me little mouth missions to accomplish throughout the day.
Get a dog they said …they never said anything about never ever being able to eat in peace ever again.
When I was little I dreamed that one day my life would be just like in the movies. Maybe I should have specified what TYPE of movies.
My daughter has to give a weather report for school and I hope she does a good job and gets everything wrong.
Dear Karma:
I don’t understand, he hasn’t been mauled by a lion yet.
XO,
Me
Them: What did you make for dinner?
Me: Arroz con pollo
Them: What’s that?
Me: Chicken and rice
Them: Why didn’t you just say that?
Me: 🤦♀️
Once you understand they’re unwilling time travelers dropped here moments earlier, the confused actions of squirrels suddenly make sense.
You: make yourself at home
Me: *throws all the broccoli in the trash*
I once worked with a girl named Brittanica…she was a bit aloof though I didn’t really know how to read her
“Oh my god, just put it in me, I can’t wait any more!”
– me to the doctor giving me the vaccine
Underrated benefit of being a divorce lawyer in a small town: I have a trusted mechanic, roofer, hairdresser, nurse practitioner, painter, veterinarian, and plumber that I can dial up in any emergency.
hey can you guys give me an honest review of my cover letter?
Dear hiring manager,
PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE
Nice tan, what’s your race? Carrot?
My bank says my password isn’t strong enough. Did it ever stop and think that my password has a lot going on right now?
*deletes your contact information*
Siri: Are you sure you really want to do that? You’ve already deleted and re-added this guy 17 times.
time to go viral by writing an obvious thing in all caps a bunch of times.
repeat after me.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
IT’S WRONG TO MICROWAVE A CHILD.
Welcome to our nearly empty restaurant. Please follow me to our worst table.
“Have you tried drinking more water?”
is the new
“Have you tried turning your computer off and turning it back on again?”
of health advice.
I break it to my toddler that “L-M-N-O-P” is not one letter, but 5. And we’re going to have to learn every one of those effing bad boys. She is aghast. I calmly assure her this isn’t the first time she’ll be disappointed upon learning the “real” lyrics to a song she likes.
My walk of shame is spending 10 minutes trying to pronounce something at a Mexican restaurant before giving up and ordering tacos.
I only eat people when they’re cooked properly. I’m not a savage.
“Dad, where do babies come from?”
“Walmart.”
[screaming from my front porch] You teens get off my lawn and register to vote!
Pregnancy is so weird. It’s, like, “Who’s that in my belly? It’s Brad. He’s going to drive a used Buick one day.”