Your Daily Dose Of Unadulterated Funny Tweets

“shaved carrots instead of cheese” lol okay Vogue thanks for the diet advice those totally taste the same

TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:

1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie

SO GOOD NEWS EVERYBODY MY SON HAS LEARNED HOW TO WHISTLE

😂🤣😂🤣

I’ll stop wearing black when they make a darker color

This morning when I woke my daughter for school she said I don’t like how you wake me with a soft voice so tomorrow I’m waking her with a kazoo.

My phone autocorrected my name to shark and now I hate my parents for not calling me shark

Him: Do that thing I hate

Me: Tries to answer his hypothetical questions

That moment 4yo becomes a better negotiator than you.

4: “Can I have one?”

“No.”

4: “Okay just 2.”

“No.”

4: “Alright. 3 and I won’t ask again.”

I quit my job at Starbucks because of all the name-calling.

had a talk with my manager where i told him it’s hard to do my job when i’m left off of emails/meetings and he said “well when you’re left out just let me know” and then i stared at him until he went “but if you were left out, you wouldn’t know….”

Wine doesn’t have many vitamins. That’s why you have to drink a lot of it.

How to help someone who’s cooking a barbecue:

1. Stand at their side
2. Keep one hand on your hip
3. Other hand holding a drink
4. Stare at the food
5. Occasionally say “those sausages might be done I reckon”
6. That’s it. You’ve been invaluable

To the raisin I just beat to death with my shoe..
Eww! I thought you were a spider.
Eww! Someone’s bringing raisins in my house.

This is my favorite Twitter interaction ever.

In my house, we celebrate Mother’s Day a week late, so we can save on all the mothers who are on sale

My 10 y/o likes pineapple “as long as it’s not the pineapple kind of pineapple.” We’ve entered a new front in her War Against Fruit.

Narcissist: I am God!

Nietzsche: I have some bad news for you.

Girl, did it hurt…when you fell from heaven? *smooshed girl bobs away making accordion sounds*

Gary born

Gary child

Gary teenager

Gary middle-aged

Gary Oldman

How in the hell do people lose their children in a mall?

Seriously, any suggestions would be greatly appreciated.

My mom regularly mentions that I was a large baby

I turn 25 in two weeks

Once dated a girl name Lolly just so I could introduce her to my dad & say “This is Lolly, Pop.” Broke up with her like 5 minutes later.

Ate my wife’s chocolates & said they were coffee flavored because she doesn’t like those but guess what guys they weren’t coffee flavored.

If you have joint pain..

You’re probably holding it by the wrong end.

AMERICA: We don’t need the metric system, our measurement system is fine
AMERICAN MEASUREMENT SYSTEM:

I’m for traditional marriage, mostly because I want to know how many goats I’m worth.

“Are you the branch manager?”
“Yes I am, how can I help you?”
“I would like two branches, please.”
“How would you like that?”
“Two big sticks, four little sticks.”

[Moon landing]
Buzz Aldrin: Who’s gonna go first?

Neil Armstrong: Well I’m gonna say one small step for man, one giant leap for mankind

Buzz Aldrin: I’m gonna say check me out on this giant space ball of cheese

Neil Armstrong: I’ll go first

My 8yr old’s home from school and that means I’ll be yelled at for the next two days for accidentally breathing while she’s trying to record videos.